By J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D.

Although alcoholism is an incredibly tenacious disease, the non-drinking members of an alcoholic family are not helpless to do anything about it. What they must do to deal effectively with the alcoholic's drinking, however, is usually the opposite of what they have been doing.

The first thing the members in an alcoholic family must do is realize they have been as much affected by the disease of alcoholism as has the alcoholic, although in different ways. If he is dependent upon alcohol, they have become co-dependent. If he can't stop his drinking, they can't stop their attempts to control it. If he denies the harm he causes himself and others, they are equally deluded about the nature of the disease and its effects on them.

Alcoholism affects all members of the alcoholic family in hurtful ways. An alcoholic family is a troubled, pain-ridden family with constricted communication and suppressed emotional expression.

The drinking of the alcoholic has been a great source of pain to the family members but they have all learned to deny that pain and not to express their feelings. Many of the members in an alcoholic family have concentrated much of their time and energy in attempts to control the drinking of the alcoholic, all to no avail. Failing their attempts at control, they usually then attempt to protect her from the full consequences of her destructive, alcoholic behavior, loving maneuvers which only enable her to continue drinking.

If the family members are to recover from the effects of alcoholism and paradoxically provide the best chance to help the alcoholic quit drinking, all of this must be reversed. They must learn about the disease nature of alcoholism and its effects on them. They must acknowledge the pain they have suppressed for years and begin to express it.

More importantly, the family members must realize that the alcoholic is, in fact, dependent on alcohol and that they are powerless to do anything about it. Instead of focusing their attention on his drinking, they must shift it away from him and refocus it on themselves. They must refuse to take any more responsibility for the alcoholic's behavior and no longer attempt to make him stop drinking or protect him from the painful consequences of his drinking.

No more pleading or nagging. No more lectures or futile threats which aren't backed up with inevitable consequences. No more making excuses for the alcoholic's drinking. No more calling in sick for her when she is hung over. No more keeping her dinner warm until 10 p.m. or cleaning up her vomit.

All of this may sound selfish for the family members to do - and perhaps it is - but paradoxically it creates the best chance they have to bring the alcoholic to sobriety. Without a co-dependent family enabling his drinking, he may decide to seek treatment. There are no guarantees this will happen, but certainly what the family members have been doing for years hasn't worked.

If you have a family member who is an alcoholic, what I am suggesting you do is not easy. You probably can't do it alone, so my plea to you would be to seek professional help to support and guide you.

About the Author: J. Bailey Molineux, a psychologist with Adult and Child Counseling, has incorporated many of his articles in a book, Loving Isn't Easy, Isbn 1587410419, sold through bookstores everywhere or available directly from Selfhelpbooks.com. Copyright 2002, J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article may be reprinted but must include authors copyright and website hyperlinks.

The Warning Symptoms of Alcoholism

By J. Bailey Molineux

Like millions of Americans, you enjoy drinking. You drink often but can hold your liquor, although once in a while you have too much to drink.

Certainly, you believe you're not an alcoholic or in danger of becoming one. After all, you are not a skid row bum who has lost his family, job and self respect because of drinking.

Since you drink, there is always the danger of your becoming an alcoholic. Only three percent of the alcoholic population fits the stereotyped category of the skid row bum. The successful business person can be an alcoholic also even though few realize it.

As a predictable, progressive disease, alcoholism follows a sequence through certain stages from normal, social drinking to dependency, and from dependency to addiction and possible premature death. The day comes - usually but not necessarily after years of drinking - when some people drink not because they want to or enjoy it, but because they must. They have developed a physical addiction to alcohol.

There are early warning symptoms of alcoholism that every drinker should know:

• A history of alcoholism in you family which could genetically predispose you to become an alcoholic.
• A history of heavy drinking. You began drinking as an adolescent and usually have five to six drinks every night or every weekend. Any amount beyond two drinks when you imbibe could eventually lead to problems.
• Any problems caused by drinking - arrests, ill health, fights at home that become worse because you're drunk, complaints of friends, spouses or children, absenteeism at work - are all indications that drinking may have already become a problem for you.
• Inability to stop or cut back on your drinking when you've promised yourself or someone else you would.
• Loss of control. You planned to have only two drinks and wound up having too many. The bottom line question about alcohol is, Do you control it or does it control you?"
• Blackouts or an inability to remember events while drinking. This is one of the more serious symptoms of alcoholism.
• Denial that there is a drinking problem despite repeated confrontations by concerned others. This is another serious symptom of alcoholism. Your vigorous attempts to deny you have a drinking problem is, ironically, a good sign you do.

At this stage of the disease, alcohol has become increasingly important to you. Any criticism of your drinking represents a threat to something that has become central in your life. Your denial of a problem is your way to defend against this threat.

There are certain myths about alcoholism you may use to deny you have a drinking problem. You may try to convince yourself that since you only drink beer, or drink periodically, or can out drink most other people, you can't possibly be an alcoholic.

But these rationalizations do not hold up under the light of experience. Beer drinkers do become alcoholics; people do develop alcoholic behaviors even if they abstain for months; and an increased capacity for drinking is a symptom of the disease.

One of the most erroneous myths about alcoholism - one that is held by the family and friends of the alcoholic - is that he has to hit bottom and ask for help before he can stop drinking. To believe this myth is to do nothing but watch while the alcoholic's drinking becomes worse.


But this intervention requires considerable knowledge and skill, so it should be done in consultation with an alcoholism expert. The best thing family or friends can do for the alcoholic, and themselves, is contact an Al Anon group or alcoholism professional.

About the Author: J. Bailey Molineux, a psychologist with Adult and Child Counseling, has incorporated many of his articles in a book, Loving Isn't Easy, Isbn 1587410419, sold through bookstores everywhere or available directly from Selfhelpbooks.com. Copyright 2002, J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article may be reprinted but must include authors copyright and website hyperlinks.