By Donald Akutagawa, Ph.D., & Terry Whitman, Ph.D.

Nicknames are more colorful than birth names. The birth name of your child is formal - maybe even commonplace. It's a name that anyone can have, and many probably do. Perhaps it is a name common in the family and thus shared.

In every school room there may be more than one Mary, Kathy or John. But your child is unlike any classmate with the same name. A nickname, though, is always personal, as individual as a fingerprint.

For example, take these two well known Normans. First, Norman Esiason. Who? Norman "Boomer" Esiason. In an October 1993 SPORTS ILLUSTRATED article, Gary Smith wrote this about the former Cincinnati Bengals quarterback: ". . . everything about "Boomer" was Boomer: his voice, his size, his shocking white hair, his life . . . but his real name was Norman."

And the other Norman? General H. Norman Schwarzkoff won the praise of the American public by defeating the Iraqi armies during the Gulf War. His forceful, ramrod personality is embodied in his nickname, "Stormin' Norman."

We pursue careers, fall in love, show our failings or our successes based on our personalities. Birth names don't usually reveal character, but nicknames do. Is your Norman a "Boomer"? Or is he a "Stormin' Norman"?

Nicknames belong in your parenting. A child might have as many nicknames as candles on his birthday cake. One a year may not be too many - but it could be too few. Why? Because nicknames do more than reveal character. They do three other things that birth names do not. They can soften conflict, build self-esteem and express belonging. Here's how to put the to use in your parenting.

Reducing Conflict

Every child has some quality that can be irritating. It comes with the birth certificate. No matter how loveable your daughter is, she will also have some mannerism that conflicts with your sensibilities. It is a given. No amount of hounding on your part will make it go away. Finding a humorous way to respond to it will soften the conflict between the two of you.

For example, Margaret's teenage son, Brady, seemed unable to move from one room in the house to the next without sounding like an elephant. His leaden footfalls annoyed her, even though she knew they weren't deliberate. It was just his nature. With her cheerful sense of humor she started calling him Gordon Lightfoot, the name of a popular singer from her teenage years. This was shortened to "Gordon," and eventually to "Gordo."

Instead of nagging him about his heavy-footed habit, she expressed her irritation with playfulness, saying, "Gee, 'Gordo,' you are so light-footed, I bet you don't leave footprints in the snow." Gordo was no match for his mother's humor and he walked more softly when she called him by his nickname. The levity of a nickname accomplished more than lectures ever could.

Sometimes our kids are irritating despite their efforts to the contrary. Sonja remembers how her loving father used a nickname to handle a troublesome trait. "I used to get carsick whenever we went for a long ride. Dad called me 'Cocker' because I'd ride along with my head hanging out the window and my blond hair blowing in the wind. He said I looked just like a Cocker Spaniel."

Although a nickname may sound offensive to others, the person who answers to it may not feel hurt or violated. This was true of Sonja. It was a sign of affection between her and her father. With the nickname "Cocker," they found a humorous way to accept her nausea.

"Gordo" and "Cocker" liked their nicknames because they were bestowed with humor and, most importantly, accepted. Some parents mistakenly try to discourage some kinds of behavior by taunting with negative names such as "Whiner," "Wimp" or "Slowpoke." Avoid such efforts. Children are aware of your intentions. They recognize the distinction between acceptance and rejection. Use nicknames to smooth out the wrinkles between you and your child. Don't use them to crate a sore spot.

Build Your Child's Self-Image

Young children don't see themselves clearly. They want to know who they are and who they will be. A nickname can highlight some special quality or talent that's only vaguely known to your child. This was so for Karen.

"I can still hear my grandfather calling me 'Shaneh Doll,'" she said. "That was his special name for me. Shaneh is Yiddish for pretty and I believed I was pretty because he said so. I could tell by the way he said it that he thought I was pretty. He called me that until the day he died.

Karen's self-image as a pretty woman was created in part by her nickname. Nicknames sketch portraits. They can be used with purpose to help your children discover and create who they are. For example, if your son loves sports and you call him by the name of his favorite hero, you are then sharing in his dreams and confirming his hope that he is, and will be, like his hero. Such a boy would love a nickname like "Grets" or "Ski" if his hero was the hockey play Wayne Gretzky.

Again, if your daughter is a budding ballerina, she might be delighted to be nicknamed "Anna" or "Pavlova." Or perhaps she would prefer to be tagged as "Doc" if her aim is to become a pediatrician.

When you take cues from your children in giving them a nickname, you are tuning into their interests or their nature instead of prejudging and trying to form them into what you would like them to be.

Nicknames Express Belonging

The beauty of a nickname is that it can do many things. Luke, a construction worker, recalled one of his many nicknames this way: "I used to watch Looney Tunes Cartoons when I was a kid. So my mom started calling me 'Lukey Tunes.' Sometimes she'd call me 'Lukey,' but usually it was just 'Tunes' for short. It was funny, like an inside joke."

Nicknames arising from personal experiences like Luke's often have private meanings. They then express connection and intimacy, which are important to a child's feelings of security. Such nicknames can strengthen the bond with your child. You can also use it with other children who are under your care as did a soccer coach, Beth.

"I had so many girls turning out that I couldn't remember their names," she said. "I could see the look of disappointment when I called girls by the wrong names. I never had trouble recalling the names of the best players because they always caught my attention. But I couldn't come up with the names of the others - the ones who just seemed to blend together. As a result, the ones I overlooked seemed to lose enthusiasm. My salvation was the accidental use of a nickname. I called one player, with striking blue eyes, 'Miss Blue Eyes' when I couldn't remember her real name. Her response was obvious delight. Not knowing her name had the effect of saying that she wasn't wanted."

After that, Beth began using nicknames regularly. She stopped worrying about her players' names and just called them by some distinguishing physical feature or something about their style of play. The goalie was good at stopping the goal shots of opposing players and so she became known as "Stopper." Her speediest player was "Wheels."

Beth said, "Soon the nicknaming spread and the girls were giving one another names. This helped to build a strong cohesion among them. Eventually, everyone had at least one nickname - including me. I became known as 'Whip,' because I was always cracking the whip and driving them to play harder."

Your child needs the security of being a part of a group. This is as important as the need to feel separate. The nickname accomplishes both. It simultaneously expresses connection and separateness.

Nicknames help children in ways that birth names can't. They reveal character, reduce conflict, build self-images and express belonging. Sometimes a nickname is useful for only a short time, but others can last much longer. One child may have several nicknames, others only have one. But with a little creativity you can put the power of nicknames to work in your parenting.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Terry Whitman, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in the Everett, Washington, School District. Donald Akutagawa, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in private practice, working with individuals, couples and families, and past president of the Washington Association for Marriage and Family Therapists. The above article was first published in PARENTING INSIGHTS magazine, Issue No. 13, 1995.

Additionally, Dr. Whitman and Dr. Akutagawa are co-authors of a self-help book entitled: Mind Your Own Business! - My Turf, Your Space, Our Place, which is devoted to clarifying what belongs to each of us, and what doesn't - the bases for almost all human conflict. This book is available through SelfHelpBooks.com.

Normal Behavior Problems in Children

By J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D.

My six year old daughter has had a few nightmares recently. Does this mean that she is emotionally disturbed?

I caught my eight year old son stealing the other day, and then he tried to lie his way out of it. Will he grow up to be dishonest or a criminal?

These are genuine fears expressed by parents about some problem behaviors in their children. But are these behaviors normal? Are these parents' fears justified or realistic?

The answer, of course, depends upon many factors.

One thing is for certain, however: Many children, at one time or another during their growing-up years, will display some behavioral and emotional problems. More importantly, most children will outgrow these problems.

For example, one study of 522 adolescents, age 13-16, in a large mid-western city, found that 83% of them had committed a chargeable offense although only 15% had been caught.

Now I'm certainly not advocating or condoning this type of antisocial behavior but I would imagine that if we parents were honest with ourselves, many of us would have to admit that as youngsters we were no exceptions to this research finding. A certain amount of acting-out, rebellious behavior appears to be characteristic of most young people.

Here is a partial list of behavior problems that researchers have found to occur in normal children: nightmares, nailbiting, lying, oversensitivity, mood swings, temper tantrums, shyness, excessive demands for attention, selfishness in sharing, cheating, food finickiness, overactivity, stealing, specific fears or worries, negativism, jealousy, bed wetting, sibling rivalry, and speech disfluencies.

In other words, the existence of these problem behaviors does not necessarily indicate that your child is emotionally disturbed and in need of immediate professional attention.

Often a child's problems are a reflection of problems occurring within the family. Any major stressor which affects the parents - an unexpected death, unemployment, a serious accident, a chronic illness - affects the children also. Usually the parents are understandably focused on their own problems and may not be fully available to their offspring.

Research has shown that the single most important factor in the development of psychological problems in children is chronic, intense conflict between their parents. If you are having serious marital problems, chances are your children are developing emotional problems also.

In deciding whether or not your child's behavior is serious enough to warrant professional intervention, consider these questions: Does the behavior occur quite frequently? Is it intense? Has it been occurring for a long time? Are there serious problems in your family or marriage?

If you answered Yes to most of these questions, for the mental health of your child, as well as your own peace of mind, I would strongly recommend that you seek professional advice. A mental health professional will either assure you that your child's behavior is normal or recommend some type of therapeutic intervention.

If therapy is recommended, be assured that early intervention greatly increases the chances for a successful resolution or reduction of the problem.

About the Author: J. Bailey Molineux, a psychologist with Adult and Child Counseling, has incorporated many of his articles in a book, Loving Isn't Easy, Isbn 1587410419, sold through bookstores everywhere or available directly from Selfhelpbooks.com. Copyright 2002, J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article may be reprinted but must include authors copyright and website hyperlinks.

So, You Want To Coach?

By Keith Levick, Ph.D.

Are you still wondering how you became the coach of your child's team? Or are you considering taking the plunge into the job? The, "Come on, dad, you'll be a great coach." Or, your spouse's gentle guilt-driven statement, "This would be a great opportunity to spend more time with your daughter." Despite headaches, coaching children can be a rewarding experience - the rewards of enhancing skills, the unexpected hit or catch, and the laughter of children having fun. Yes, coaching children does have its rewards.

For some, coaching may be an inconvenience. For others, it may be a bonding experience with their child. Regardless, the time devoted to coaching children will have a significant affect on them. What you do and what you say may influence them for the rest their lives!

An estimated 20 million children between the ages of 6-18 years participate in some form of organized sports. The average child spends about 12 hours per week engaged in sports over a typical 18-week season. Furthermore, if one considers the value placed on the participation in sports and the need to be successful, it is imperative coaches develop a better understanding of their role, age-appropriate skills and behaviors, and the impact they have on children.

The coach is an extension of the parent. Behavior is consistently monitored and becomes the comparative model for children. It's as if the child says to himself, "The coach does it, then it must be right." Most kids hear what you say, and some will do what you ask, but all kids do what you do!

Children are exposed to goals, expectations, skills, performances, etc. when playing sports. Peers, coaches, and parents are assessing and judging the child's abilities. The coach is a conduit of information to the child. It's this feedback that shapes children's perceptions of themselves. Young children (6-11 years) especially tend to rely on adults' assessment of their achievement and efforts. Older children (12-17 years) rely on peers for social comparisons. Every behavior of the coach, therefore, including feedback, rewards, discipline, etc., impacts the child's self-perception.

Exploring the effects of coaching behaviors on children, a series of studies was conducted in the late 1970s. The result clearly showed how a coach influences a child's emotional development. In particular, children who played for coaches who used positive reinforcement and focused on skill building as opposed to winning exhibited a significant increase in self esteem. Let's consider the following true story. A coach of a T-Ball team (5- & 6-year-olds) was sarcastically telling his kids how poorly they threw the ball. The dialogue went as follows:

"You guys throw like a bunch of girls!" I've been coaching in the Mustang League (9- & 10-year-olds) for many years, and they don't throw like you guys." He then illustrated the proper way to throw. In doing so, he explained "hip rotation," "flexing the elbow," and other technical jargon. Two children were selected to demonstrate. They attempted to replicate what they couldn't understand. Obviously, they were unable to do so.

"That's not right, sit down. How about you two?" Again, he got the same results. He turned to the team and exclaimed, "This is going to be a long season!"

Clearly, this man represents the perfect negative coach. By not understanding age appropriate behavior, he failed at every juncture. This coach failed at:

1. Building self esteem. Use of sarcasm and embarrassing the children in front of others are totally inappropriate and are signs of the coach's weakness.
2. Being a teacher. Without appropriate knowledge of what to expect from 5 and 6 year olds, this coach expected these children to throw like 9 and 10 year olds.
3. Guiding players to self knowledge. Effective coaching is a process of leading a person to self-discovery. Standing in front of children pontificating "wisdom" is not effective coaching.

I commend every parent who volunteers his or her time to coach children. Often it can be a "thankless" job. Coaching, however, requires more than "baby-sitting" children. Enhance your coaching skills through clinics, reading, etc. Like it or not, your feedback, specific instruction, and overall behavior may affect these children for the rest of their lives.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Keith Levick, Ph.D., is a health psychologist who has been in practice for 20 years and is an Adjunct Professor at Central Michigan University. He is the founder and director of the Center for Childhood Weight Management, a unique treatment program designed for overweight children, located in Farmington Hills, MI, and in YMCA'S throughout Michigan. Dr. Levick is also the President of Goren and Associates, a training and development company. Some of their clients include GM, DaimlerChrysler, Detroit Diesel, AT&T and other Fortune 500 companies. Dr. Levick serves on the Executive Board for the American Heart Association and is well published in the area of health and wellness.

Dr. Levick is author of a new book entitled, Why Is My Child So Overweight? A Parent's Guide to a Fit & Healthy Child, designed to help the entire family become more aware of eating behaviors and help create lifestyle changes. This book is available through SelfHelpBooks.com.

Tempting trade off:
Will you give your children HAPPINESS or COMPETENCE?

By Donald Akutagawa, Ph.D., & Terry Whitman, Ph.D.

As parents we want our children to be happy and to have good lives. Figuring that they'll encounter enough hardship and misery in the ordinary process of living, we remove the roadblocks where we can.

And because most of us have had some experience with pain and hard times, we work to save our children from the same difficulties. But in working so hard for their short-term happiness, might we be losing sight of a much more important goal - developing their competence?

It's a habit that sneaks up on us. If we grew up in poorer circumstances, we remember doing without and envying those more fortunate. Now we may overspend to give our children the things we never had. This does more than protect our children from experiencing need and hardship; it overloads them with goodies and shields them from growth-producing pain - or even strenuous effort.

On birthdays and Christmas, some children are piled with so many gifts that they have trouble deciding what to enjoy first. If they get into trouble at school or with their friends - or siblings - their parents often intercede to protect them from unhappiness.

One curious aspect of such behavior is that the parent who suffered in the past now is compensating people who have never been deprived! Logically, one might think that if anyone should be compensated, it's the one who did the suffering.

Lavishness shown to those who have not been deprived has a much different effect than gifts to those who have experienced hardship. Those who have known scarcity and deprivation appreciate gifts and rewards, while children who have never experienced hunger, scarcity of comforts, lack of toys or even ordinary pain, do not often appreciate what they are given. Why should they? It is only more of the same. So they often complain about what they receive, neglect or discard what their parents have worked hard to provide - and demand more.

When we try too hard to make our children happy, we may end up creating unlikable people instead. We become "good slaves," sacrificing many of our own rights and needs for their whims. By worrying more about their happiness than their welfare, we teach them to complain, to be selfish and socially irresponsible. Such children come to see the sacrificing parent as someone to be exploited, not a person to be loved and appreciated. They acquire a contemptuous sense of their own importance, seeing themselves superior to others, particularly parents. If we act like "good slaves," we deserve their scorn.

Beyond that, children resent being manipulated into being happy. Most of us know how it feels to have someone coax us to "cheer up" when we are "down." While we may appreciate the encourager's intention, deep down we feel some irritation. In children, it may emerge as opposition to parental efforts to make them happy. They may learn to look sad, be morose, or too serious to enjoy humor.

Humans are the only creatures that devote energy to making their offspring "happy." The rest of the animal kingdom is devoted to fostering competence to survive in the world.

Films of animals and how they live have shown us the remarkable ways in which some creatures teach basic survival skills to their young. Chimpanzees are shown using twigs as tools to poke into termite hills. When termites cling to the twig, they are brought out of the nest into the chimp's mouth. A young chimp learns this trick by watching his mother.

When they are old enough, cheetah cubs are taken hunting by their mother and permitted to watch the pursuit and capture of prey, after which they are given the prey to eat. In watching the hunt, they see the mother exercise tactics that they have been practicing in play. What would be the effect if the mother cheetah left her cubs at home to play and continued to feed them so they wouldn't have to learn to hunt - since it is so difficult?

When one of our young comes across a problem and can't solve it immediately, some parents jump in and help without waiting to be asked. Or, hearing that their child is bored or lonely, some parents quickly offer solutions and advice. The intention is admirable, but the consequence is not. By too quickly offering help, the parent actually interferes with the child's development of survival skills.

Problems are part of life, and problem-solving is a survival skill, a vital part of one's competence. Modeling, as the cheetah mother does, is an effective teaching method. Explaining how to solve a problem is another teaching device we humans use.

While less comfortable for parents to watch, "trial and error" is one of the most effective ways to learn problem-solving. In struggling to solve a problem, the child tries different ideas about a solution and eliminates ineffective alternatives. Because the child is actively engaged in dreaming up the possibilities and trying them out, there's more to be gained from a successful solution.

Our children miss these learning opportunities when we hurry to offer advice or solutions - because we don't want them to be unhappy. Another reason we step in is to end our own discomfort over waiting for the solution. In dealing with what looks like a very simple problem, a child might take a very long time to find an acceptable solution. The parent could probably solve it easily and quickly - and often does.

Here's an example of how a parent helped her child develop self-reliance:

Robby, a 10-year-old, surrounded by abandoned toys, says, "Mom, I'm bored."

"Mmhmm."

"What can I do?"

"What would you like to do?"

"I don't know. What can I do? Tell me."

"I guess you'll have to think about it and decide what you want to do."

Several repeated requests evoked the same response. Not getting the answer he seemed to want, Robby went to his bedroom. Ten minutes later, his mom heard him making motor noises and talking to himself. Giving him the freedom to struggle with his problem led to his own solution.

Allowing this process requires the parent to play a different role with respect to the problem. Instead of playing the problem solver, the parent need to take the role of a teacher fostering the development of a basic skill. This requires patience with the struggles of the learner, and a clear sense of who need to learn what.

Happiness is still a desirable outcome for all of us, but achieving it is a task for ourselves. That doesn't meant that we set out to make our children unhappy. We know that unhappy, abused or neglected children frequently grow up to be disturbed, problem-producing people.

However, we can stop being afraid of the normal setbacks that come our children's way. And we can stop enslaving ourselves in order to make them smile.

Parents who try to provide perpetual happiness may keep their children from developing the survival skills and competence they need. Besides, sometimes it's the act of acquiring skills that brings supreme happiness!

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ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Terry Whitman, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in the Everett, Washington, School District.

Donald Akutagawa, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in private practice, working with individuals, couples and families, and past president of the Washington Association for Marriage and Family therapists. The above article was first published in PARENTING INSIGHTS magazine, Issue No. 14, 1996.

Additionally, Dr. Whitman and Dr. Akutagawa are co-authors of a self-help book entitled: Mind Your Own Business! - My Turf, Your Space, Our Place, which is devoted to clarifying what belong to each of us, and what doesn't - the bases for almost all human conflict. This book is available through SelfHelpBooks.com.

The Effects of Television Violence on Children

By J. Bailey Molineux

How many murders have your children seen lately? How many stabbings? Beatings? Fist fights? Rapes? Auto accidents? Robberies?

It has been estimated that children spend more time watching television than any other one activity except sleeping. One study published in 1966 found that elementary school children watch between 15 and 25 hours of television per week, junior high students about 25 hours, and high school students about 12 to 14 hours.

This in and of itself is not disturbing. What is disturbing is the amount of crime and violence that children are exposed to on television. Some time ago, the National Association for Better Radio and Television reported that over 500 killings were enacted each week on television. Later, the same organization estimated that between the ages of 5 and 15 the average child watches "the violent destruction of more than 13,400 persons on T.V." Since then, there has been an alrming increase in the amount of violence the typical child sees on TV.

What effect does so much violence have on our children? What effect does it have or us? With an increasing crime rate and a rising level of violence in our nation, these are questions that deserve serious consideration.

Unfortunately, the research on these questions is not clear cut. Psychologists are not exactly sure what effect T.V. violence has on our children. The majority of studies have demonstrated a direct link between television violence and human aggressiveness but some have not.

This is not a surprising state of affairs. To show a direct, one-to-one casual relationship between violence on television and aggressiveness in most people is a difficult thing to do. There are just too many factors that influence or determine human behavior. It is not possible to isolate one factor and prove that it is the cause of the behavior in question.

Human aggression, for example, can be the result of genetic factors, chemical factors, physiological mechanisms or injury, pain, frustration, learning, child-rearing practices, belief systems, social pressures, defense mechanisms, fear, hatred, pride, honor, patriotism, economic disorganization, or overpopulation. In other words, we can only look carefully at the studies that have been done, weigh the evidence and arrive at an intelligent guess about the effects of T.V. violence on children. Hard data or absolute proof are probably not forthcoming in the immediate future.

My own guess, based upon such reading in the area, is that T.V. violence does make children, and adults, more aggressive. And of course, this applies to movie violence also.

Remember that I believe that modeling-the process by which children ape, copy, or imitate the behavior of other people-is the most important influence in the psychologi­cal development of the child. The child who watches television violence may come to assume that aggression is the best way to achieve his ends. What does it teach him, for example, when the "good guy" shoots or punches the "bad guy," or when he speeds or drives his car recklessly, and not only gets away with this aggressive behavior, but is made a hero because of it? What does it teach him when the criminal or terrorist is portrayed as clever or intelligent?

Even if you don't agree that T.V. violence affects most "normal" children, what about the effects of such violence on children who are already disturbed or prone to aggression. Might it not make them even more violent or encourage them to act out their aggressiveness?

As a particularly horrible example of this, several years ago in Boston, a group of juvenile thugs poured gasoline on a young woman and burned her to death. The same crime had been depicted on television a few nights before.

And what effects does the level of aggression have on all of us-children and adults alike-in terms of desensitizing us to violence? Is it not possible that it makes us accustomed to violence as a fact of life rather than be horrified or morally outraged when it occurs?

Several years ago in New York, a young woman was beaten to death while her neighbor: watched from their windows and did absolutely nothing to help her. No one even bothered to call the police! Perhaps to them it was like watching television, only better.

There is too much violence on television and in the movies and its not good for our kids or us.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D. is a licensed Clinical Psychologist and author of the book Loving Isn't Easy
Copyright 2003 J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article maybe reprinted but must include author's copyright and website hyperlinks to SelfHelpBooks.com.

The Emotional Pain of Childhood

By J. Bailey Molineux

It was inevitable that most of us would come out of childhood with some emotional scars. Our parents weren't perfect and so made mistakes with us. They couldn't possibly be there for us all the time and they had to frustrate us through discipline to turn us (hopefully!) into civilized beings by the time we reached eighteen.

Some suffered more than others in childhood, however. And of course, the greater the deprivation suffered, the greater the impact on adult functioning.

As a therapist who helps people understand the effects of their childhood experiences on them, I distinguish between three types of childhood pain

• Our parents' emotional pain which we picked up as children and carried unconsciously. Unresolved emotional problems inevitably pass from generation to generation. When we were children, we depended upon our parents for our very survival, so we were incredibly sensitive to their moods. If they were hurting, we absorbed their emotional pain even if they never said a word about it. But we were aware of it and assumed it as our own.
• The pain of our failure to heal our parents' pain. Not only were we aware of our parents' emotions, but we felt responsible for them. As very young children, we were completely egocentric and saw ourselves as the center of the universe. Everything that happened was somehow related to us. Unrealistically, we assumed responsibility for causing and fixing our parents' problems. If Daddy was angry or Mommy crying, it was our fault and our job to help them.

We wanted our parents to be healed, whole and healthy for a very good reason: so they could be available to us and not be distracted in their care of us by their personal problems. Needless to say, we failed at this important task and may have carried an unrealistic sense of failure into our adult years as a result.

• Our own emotional pain because our needs were not met. Our parents probably loved us, but if they were hurting themselves or overwhelmed with their own problems, they couldn't possibly meet our needs on a sustained, consistent basis. If we were abused or neglected, our pain would be even greater.

Only this last type of pain is truly our own and may need to be grieved. The first is acquired from our parents and doesn't have to be carried by us. The second type is unrealistic and so should be dropped. Children can't heal their parents. It is not their job.

Psychotherapists often deal with the aftermath of parents' mistakes, deficiencies and failures to fully nurture their children. We often find that the present problems and emotions our patients bring to us have been intensified because they have tapped into painful, unconscious experiences from long ago. The present pain has reawakened a forgotten pain.

If this analysis of childhood is correct, two conclusions follow from it:

• The more we know about our childhood and family histories, and the more healing we bring to them, the better we can deal with the present. If knowledge gives us more power over external events and things, self-knowledge gives us more power over ourselves and our behaviors.
• The best thing we can do for our children is to see that we are psychologically healthy ourselves. Whatever we can do to insure our self-esteem is high, our emotional needs met and our relationship with the other parent sound will automatically benefit our offspring. They can then concentrate on their own development and needs, and not have to worry about how we are doing.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D. is a licensed Clinical Psychologist and author of the book Loving Isn't Easy
Copyright 2002 J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article maybe reprinted but must include author's copyright and website hyperlinks to SelfHelpBooks.com.

The Stages of Children's Development

By J. Bailey Molineux

Being a parent is not always an easy task. Parents have to do a balancing act. In rearing a child, they must strike a balance between attaching to the child and letting him go, between being too strict or too lenient, between over-protectiveness and under-protectiveness.

If this balancing act hasn't already made parenting difficult enough, a child goes through different developmental stages which require different responses from her parents. And if a parent has been wounded herself at one of those stages, she'll have more difficulty helping her child through the same stage.

The first stage, attachment, occurs from birth to eighteen months. This is the stage which requires the most time, effort and commitment to the infant. Parents should be available as frequently and consistently as is humanly possible to respond to the infant's needs.

Through a secure attachment, the infant learns that the world is a good, safe place in which his needs will be met. Ideally, he requires plenty of holding, rocking, stroking and the adoring gaze of parents who love him unconditionally.

Exploration occurs between eighteen months and three years. The toddler wants to explore the new and wonderful world into which she has been born.

During this stage, the parents must strike a balance between safety and curiosity. They must encourage the child's innate desire to come to know his world but make sure it is done in a safe manner.

The third stage involves the development of a sense of identity and occurs during the third and fourth years of life. The child begins to address the question, "Whom am I?" She becomes a quick change artist, wanting to be a clown one day, a doctor the next and a teacher the third day.

Again during this stage, the parents must strike a balance. They should encourage the development of the child's identity, but also begin to inculcate values about the rights of other people. They want their child to have a strong sense of self, but also begin to recognize the legitimate needs of others.

The next stage - competence - occurs between the ages of four and seven. For the first time, the child begins to develop skills and knowledge and to be compared to other children.

What the child should be taught at this stage is to try his best, although he doesn't necessarily have to be the best. What counts is not necessarily success but effort, curiosity and the motivation to learn.

Concern is the next stage and occurs between seven and twelve. It involves the development of friendships with same sex peers. The child becomes less egocentric during this stage as she learns she has to give as well as receive if she wants to maintain her friendships.

Parents can help at this stage by listening to their child's problems with friends. They can offer advice if asked and encourage their child's friendships by getting to know his friends and welcoming them to their home.

The last stage before adulthood is intimacy when the adolescent begins to develop relations with members of the opposite sex. Parents should have talked to their child about sex long before this stage, but the best thing they can do to help their adolescent with intimacy is have a good marriage themselves. They can also be available to listen to their adolescent's problems with love.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D. is a licensed Clinical Psychologist and author of the book Loving Isn't Easy
Copyright 2002 J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article maybe reprinted but must include author's copyright and website hyperlinks to SelfHelpBooks.com.

The Ten Commandments of Parenting an Overweight Child

By Keith Levick, Ph. D.

Childhood obesity is a prevalent disorder affecting 25% of children 6-17 years of age. Medical diseases that were once relegated to overweight adults are now being found in children. Hypertension, arteriosclerosis, diabetes, and hyperlipidemia are a few of these diseases increasingly being suffered by our young. Additionally, the psychological ramifications can be devastating for the overweight child.

The cause of childhood obesity, like adult obesity, is quite diverse. There are several reasons why 25% of American children are obese. Genetics is a contributing factor, but to what degree it plays remains unknown. Family issues also contribute to the reasons why so many children are overweight. For example, obese children with two overweight parents have an 80% chance of becoming an overweight adult.

Television viewing is now considered to be a risk factor for childhood obesity. It is estimated that the average American child watches 24 hours of T.V. a week. Add another 10-20 hours when computer games, etc. are included. Not only does television watching substitute exercise, recent studies show that during prime time television viewing, the average person eats eight times more compared to other times. It is understandable how sitting in front of the television is a major contributor to the fattening of children.

Dietary and nutritional problems are another factor in the cause of childhood obesity. Even with increased awareness of nutrition, fats, calories, and cholesterol, plus more attention to reading food labels, still the typical American lacks knowledge of fundamental nutrition. For example, a common scenario found in a supermarket is a parent holding a bag of potato chips exclaiming, "Finally, they have come out with a healthy, `all natural,’ `no cholesterol` potato chip!" This of course, leads to poor food selections by parents that increase the child's daily caloric and fat intake. Moreover, the preponderance of high fat foods, convenience foods, fast food restaurants, and other poor eating habits have contributed to the myriad of problems facing the obese child.

Unfortunately there are few effective treatment programs available for the obese child. Consequently, we have overweight children on diets and/or parents who take their children to adult weight loss programs. Not only has this proven ineffective but it can be dangerous to the child because restricting calories in children can be dangerous to their growth and development. Additionally, diets don't work! We know that approximately 90% of dieters regain their weight within two years. Why teach children techniques that are ineffective and dangerous?

Since it is likely that an overweight child may grow into an overweight adult, early prevention is critical.

The following are the 10 Commandments of parenting an overweight child:

1. Thou shalt be responsible for teaching proper and healthy eating techniques.
2. Thou shalt provide a safe, happy, and secure environment in which the child can grow, learn, and experiment.
3. Thou shalt never criticize thy child's eating or weight.
4. Thou shalt refrain from nicknames ("chubby", etc.)
5. Thou shalt structure meals and snacks.
6. Thou shalt not use food for punishment.
7. Thou shalt consistently praise thy child.
8. Thou shalt enhance thy child's appearance.
9. Thou shalt make exercise a way of life for all family members.
10. Thou shalt not put thy child on a diet.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Keith Levick, Ph.D., is a health psychologist who has been in practice for 20 years and is an Adjunct Professor at Central Michigan University. He is the founder and director of the Center for Childhood Weight Management, a unique treatment program designed for overweight children, located in Farmington Hills, MI, and in YMCA'S throughout Michigan. Dr. Levick is also the President of Goren and Associates, a training and development company. Some of their clients include GM, DaimlerChrysler, Detroit Diesel, AT&T and other Fortune 500 companies. Dr. Levick serves on the Executive Board for the American Heart Association and is well published in the area of health and wellness.

Dr. Levick is author of a new book entitled, Why Is My Child So Overweight? A Parent's Guide to a Fit & Healthy Child, designed to help the entire family become more aware of eating behaviors and help create lifestyle changes. This book is available through SelfHelpBooks.com.

What Can YOU Do About Your Child's Dysfunctional Eating?

By Keith Levick, Ph.D.

Some slowly wither away, some fluctuate like yo-yo's, some spend inordinate time in the lavatory and some even die. I'm tired of reading about young people who die - wrestlers, Olympic gymnasts, and young girls obsessed with being thin! Our children are suffering from a major health crisis that remains ignored by the public and health professionals.

Dysfunctional eating in children has reached epidemic levels. Some of the alarming statistics include:

• Eating disorders affect 7 million Americans.
• Eating disorders are the 3rd most common chronic illnesses among adolescent girls.
• 1 out of 10 teens suffer from a clinical eating disorder.
• Each year, 6% of those with eating disorders die.

Our obsession with thinness and perfect bodies continues to fuel an out-of-control fire. For example, in 1994 Christie Heinrich, a 22-year-old Olympic gymnast, died. At the time of her death she weighed 60 lbs.! What led her to starve herself? After performing poorly in a gymnastic tournament, a judge told her to lose weight if she wanted to win -- she weighed 93 pounds! Recently, a University of Michigan wrestler died after denying himself food and water so he could achieve his required weight. Why are we so obsessed?

In our culture, thinness is synonymous with excellence. Young girls are constantly pressured to have the perfect body. From the media, to the dolls they play with, the pressure can be overwhelming. Additionally, parents attitudes play a pivotal role in this equation. If, for example, the parents have a history of abnormal dieting and/or are critical of their child's appearance or their eating habits, the child's response may manifest itself as an eating disorder.

Eating disorders, or the new term, "dysfunctional eating," refer to irregular and/or restricted eating as a way of body shaping. If "functional" eating results from an internal hunger to nourish the body, "dysfunctional" eating results from eating for external reasons - to be thin, make a weight goal, and/or for emotional comfort. The level of intensity varies from person to person and a cycle of normal eating devolves -- dysfunctional eating emerges.

The four most common types of dysfunctional eating are anorexia, bulimia, binge eating and chronic dieting. What follows are descriptions of each (with potential health risks):

Anorexia: Simply stated, people starve themselves. It usually affects females between 14 to 18 years. Health Problems: Osteoporosis, gastrointestinal problems, loss of menses for several months, low heart rate, and cardiac abnormalities.

Bulimia: People tend to binge and then purge. Taking laxatives is also common. Health Problems: Eroded tooth enamel, "chipmunk cheeks," dark circles under eyes, and a raspy voice. Anorexia and bulimia may also stunt growth, delay puberty, and present numerous psychological problems.

Binge eating: These people eat an abnormal amount of food in a short period of time. Studies indicate that 10-15% of dieters are binge eaters. Health problems: Binge eaters tend to be overweight and/or obese. There also is a relationship between binge eating and depression.

Chronic dieting: These people are preoccupied with dieting. Their weight typically "yo-yo's" as they "diet surf." Studies show that 35% of normal dieters progress to chronic dieters and 25% of them become anorexic or bulimic. Health problems: Dependent on the amount chronic dieters gain and lose. Also, specific, dangerous dieting practices pose health risks.

Parental intervention is crucial. Thinking the "problem" will be outgrown is ludicrous. Awareness of symptoms is the first step. These include: losing weight or eating enormous potions without gaining weight; preoccupation with being thin and/or food; unusual mood states like confusion and fatigue; and other physical and psychological symptoms.

If all or some of these symptoms are observed, take time to discuss them with your child in a supportive, non-challenging manner. Try to explore his/her thoughts regarding food, body image and self-esteem. Dysfunctional eating is not a weight issue that teenagers outgrow. It's an emotional problem that requires psychological intervention. If you are a concerned parent, seek out professional help - with proper help, 75% recover..

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Keith Levick, Ph.D., is a health psychologist who has been in practice for 20 years and is an Adjunct Professor at Central Michigan University. He is the founder and director of the Center for Childhood Weight Management, a unique treatment program designed for overweight children, located in Farmington Hills, MI, and in YMCA'S throughout Michigan. Dr. Levick is also the President of Goren and Associates, a training and development company. Some of their clients include GM, DaimlerChrysler, Detroit Diesel, AT&T and other Fortune 500 companies. Dr. Levick serves on the Executive Board for the American Heart Association and is well published in the area of health and wellness.

Dr. Levick is author of a new book entitled, Why Is My Child So Overweight? A Parent's Guide to a Fit & Healthy Child, designed to help the entire family become more aware of eating behaviors and help create lifestyle changes. This book is available through SelfHelpBooks.com.

Why Children Become Emotionally Disturbed

By J. Bailey Molineux

Why do children become emotionally disturbed?

They're not necessarily born that way. What happens after birth that causes them so much emotional pain?

Some children - especially those who are severely troubled - become disturbed because of biological factors. Through no fault of their own or their parents, they have inherited some biochemical imbalance, physiological abnormality or innate temperament that results in some degree of emotional problems for them and heartache for their parents.

Another cause of emotional disturbance in children is disturbed parent-child relationships, especially during the early, formative years. Children learn to be anxious, depressed, hurt or angry as a result of insecure, unhealthy interactions with their primary caregivers.

I hesitate to write these words for fear of making some parents feel guilty or increase their already heavy sense of responsibility for their children's emotional welfare, but the overwhelming clinical and research evidence which supports this conclusion cannot be denied.

Parents do not deliberately hurt their children. All parents do the best they can but still make some mistakes in raising their children.

Parents of emotionally disturbed children may make more mistakes than parents of "normal" children because of the hurtful way they were raised and the problems they're having now. Without stopping to reflect upon their own upbringing, they tend to make the same mistakes with their children their parents made with them.

Generally there are two types of unhealthy parent-child relationships. In the first, the parent is too close to the child, too overprotective, either in a benevolent or dictatorial manner. As a result, the child does not learn to function well as an independent person.

In the second type of disturbed parent-child relationship, the parent is too distant. He fails to provide his child with the love and emotional support she needs to grow up with confidence in herself.

Usually underlying these two extremes of disturbed parent-child relationships are parental or marital problems which prevent these parents from being effective caregivers. Disappointed in their own lives or marriages, they either turn towards their children for emotional support - thus reversing the normal parent-child roles - or away from them.

Sometimes disturbance in a child involves a combination of biological and psychological factors. A child may have a biological predisposition, but if raised in a loving, healthy home may not develop serious problems.

What can a parent do if their child is troubled? Obviously, get professional help, and the earlier the better the prognosis. The child may be given medication, individual therapy, family therapy or a combination of these treatments.

But one thing is certain: if the parents are having their own personal or marital problems, they need to get professional counseling also. Troubled parents can best help their troubled child by helping themselves.

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About the Author: J. Bailey Molineux, a psychologist with Adult and Child Counseling, has incorporated many of his articles in a book, Loving Isn't Easy, Isbn 1587410419, sold through bookstores everywhere or available directly from Selfhelpbooks.com. Copyright 2002, J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article may be reprinted but must include authors copyright and website hyperlinks.

Your Child: A Separate, Unique Person

By J. Bailey Molineux

Your child is neither an extension of you nor a living, visible embodiment of all your traits and habits. She is a unique, never-to-be-duplicated, separate person with a life to be lived and an identity of her own.

You gave him the most precious gifts of life and love, but it does not follow that he is then obligated to live his life the way you would, or to find the type of work you would enjoy, or to marry the type of person you would choose. If he is to become a self-loving individual who is secure in his identity and satisfied with his life, he has to find his own life style, work, and mate.

Some parents are too closely involved with their children and so unable to see their uniqueness and individuality. This causes unnecessary problems for both themselves and their offspring. Let me cite a few hypothetical examples:

Bob frequently corrects his son, or demonstrates better ways of doing things. He wants the best for his boy but is afraid to see him make a mistake. Unfortunately, his son is developing feelings of inadequacy because it seems that his Dad never approves of his behavior and can always do everything so much more effectively than he can. Moreover, he never learns to profit by his mistakes.

Sue is sorry that she never went to college and became a teacher. She hopes that her daughter will not make the same mistake, and so pushes her to go to college and major in elementary education. Unfortunately, her child is interested in another career that does not require a college education.

Karen clings to her children because she hates to see them grow up and leave home. She is afraid that when they do she will feel lonely and no longer be needed by them. Tragically, her clinging only strengthens their resolve to leave home as soon as possible.

These hypothetical, fictitious parents are unable to see their children as separate, unique individuals because of their own dissatisfaction with themselves and their lives. It is as if they are saying: I have no identity or worth apart from my children, so I will live vicariously through them. Their triumphs will be my triumphs and their failures will be my failures.

Children of these parents have one of two difficult decisions to make. They can deny themselves and live to please their parents. But in so doing they pay the terrible price of possibly forsaking their own interests and aspirations. Or they can assert themselves and rebel but at the possible cost of a strained relationship with their parents.

Let us keep this discussion in proper perspective. Most of us have times when we worry too much about our children, or criticize them too much, or hope they will not repeat our mistakes, or rejoice in their successes and suffer with their failures. As long as these reactions do not become excessive or constant, they are normal behaviors that need not seriously interfere with our lives and those of our offspring.

For our own mental health and theirs, however, we need to have some sources of satisfaction apart from our children.

We also need to let our children develop and follow their own interests, talents, and potentialities, to make some of their own mistakes, and to choose their own vocations and life styles.

Of course, we can do all we can to encourage them to become certain types of persons and to develop certain qualities and habits. We don't want our children to grow up without our guidance and wisdom.

But we must accept them for what they are - unique, separate individuals - and not for what we would like them to be or hope they will be. And when the time comes, we have to be willing to let them go to live their own lives without our continuing to feel fully responsible for their adult behavior.

Only then can we provide the climate of trust, acceptance, and love that will enable them to become mature, responsible, and self-loving citizens of whom we can be proud.

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About the Author: J. Bailey Molineux, a psychologist with Adult and Child Counseling, has incorporated many of his articles in a book, Loving Isn't Easy, Isbn 1587410419, sold through bookstores everywhere or available directly from Selfhelpbooks.com. Copyright 2002, J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article may be reprinted but must include authors copyright and website hyperlinks.