By J. Bailey Molineux

"Pass it back or pass it on," states John Bradshaw, the therapist/author who has written extensively about toxic shame and the wounded inner child. We either give back to our parents their emotional pain and shame or we pass it on to our children.

This is the multigenerational view of family functioning which holds that the unresolved emotional problems and pain of the parents and grandparents are carried by the children. Most people react to this theory with doubt or disbelief. It is a difficult concept to accept and even more difficult to prove scientifically because it involves unconscious forces. Nevertheless, I assume it to be valid.

We don't purposefully pass our pain and shame to our children, however. Although they can't be held responsible for it, children play the major role in this intergenerational transmission.

Emotions are contagious. They can pass from one person to another. Be in the presence of someone who is anxious or sad and you will begin to experience these emotions yourself.

Because they depend upon us for their survival, our children, especially when they are young, sense our emotions and pick them up as their own. They not only carry our feelings but they assume responsibility for fixing us so we can better take care of them.

A clinical incident illustrates this phenomenon. I had been treating a mother for depression. Her three-year-old daughter, Suzie, wouldn't wait alone in my waiting room, so we allowed her to come into my office.

Suzie stood on my couch with her arm around her mother and announced proudly,"I'll take care of Mommie."

I assumed Suzie was aware of Mom's depression but I was surprised by her statement. I felt, with some anxiety, that I was witnessing the beginnings of codependency,"Who will take care of you?" I asked rather tentatively.

"Oh, I will take care of me and Mommie, too," she replied with a confident smile.

Now I was really worried and thought I should attempt a therapeutic intervention: "Tell you what," I said, "Mommie is sad and is seeing me to learn how to be less sad and to take care of herself. Then she'll be better able to take care of you."

Mother had not deliberately passed her sadness to Suzie. She had not set out to make her codependent at such an early age. But Suzie was aware of her mother's depression even if mother never shed a tear or said a word in front of her. In her egocentrism, Suzie assumed responsibility for relieving it so her mother could be happy.

My prediction would be that Suzie would become the classic codependent as an adult, especially if her mother did not recover from her depression. She would become a caretaker to others, often at the expense of her own needs and emotions. She would have been conditioned to assume this role since she was three, although she would have no conscious memories of those years.

Then how do we not pass our pain and shame to our children? Simply by working to reduce these emotions in ourselves now.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D. is a licensed Clinical Psychologist and author of the book Loving Isn't Easy
Copyright 2002 J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article maybe reprinted but must include author's copyright and website hyperlinks to SelfHelpBooks.com.

To Be Selfless, Be Self Caring

By J. Bailey Molineux

Become selfish, advised Robin Norwood, author of Women Who Love Too Much (Pocket Book, 1985), an older, popular, self-help book which is still worthwhile reading. It is one of the first books written about codependency.

Women who love too much are the classic codependents. They grew up in dysfunctional homes in which their needs for nurturance were not well met. Their self-esteem is low and they usually marry needy, dysfunctional men who take more than they give.

Modern psychology has been accused - unfairly, I believe - of contributing to the selfishness and decline of commitment that is prevalent in our society today. At first glance, Norwood's advice and the popularity of her book appear to be proof of that accusation.

But women who love too much give, not out of a healthy sense of altruism, but out of a strategy to avoid thinking about their own needs and problems by concentrating on those of others. Their giving is unbalanced because it does not include giving to themselves or receiving from others.

Norwood's advice is a counter response to the unhealthy selflessness of these women. It attempts to redress the imbalance in their lives between giving and receiving.

People become depressed, angry or emotionally troubled when their social and psychological needs are not being met. Psychotherapy is a process which helps them to identify their needs and ways to satisfy them. It does encourage people to become self-caring and self-nurturing by concentrating on their needs and relationships.

But this process should be a means to an end, not an end in itself. Psychotherapy clients may need to be selfish for awhile to bring more satisfaction into their lives. For full, balanced, healthy and productive lives, however, they must learn to give once they've received. And by giving, they receive more in return.

To be successfully married requires a great deal of selfless giving. And to be effective, parents must give more than they hope to receive from their children. But a good marriage and good kids will bring them great satisfaction.

There is an ancient, spiritual wisdom - far older than modern psychology - which states that the good life must be one dedicated to others. Purely selfish pursuits are dead end pursuits because the self always ends.

The major choice in life, then, is between self and others. Are we to strive for our own selfish, individualistic ends or for the common good?

To be selfless, we must at times be somewhat selfish. To better give to others we must insure that our needs are satisfied.

A battery that discharges all the time will run out of energy unless it is recharged. By contrast, a full cup of love is one that easily overflows to others.

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About the Author: J. Bailey Molineux, a psychologist with Adult and Child Counseling, has incorporated many of his articles in a book, Loving Isn't Easy, Isbn 1587410419, sold through bookstores everywhere or available directly from Selfhelpbooks.com. Copyright 2002, J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article may be reprinted but must include authors copyright and website hyperlinks.