By J. Bailey Molineux

Bob has been under a great deal of stress these days. Things haven't been going well on his job but they've been worse at home. He and his wife have been fighting more than usual and the kids have been acting up as a result.Bob had always prided himself on his good health. In four years on the job, he had only used one sick day.

Suddenly Bob came down with an illness that put him in bed for two weeks. Stress is the real cause of many medical problems and illnesses, including Bob's. A certain amount of stress is inevitable in life for optimal functioning, but too much pressure can weaken the body's natural defenses against disease or breakdown. If a person is having trouble in one area of life - employment, for example - the stress may be manageable, but if more problems arise in other areas of life, a medical problem may become inevitable.

Bob's illness is real. Because it is caused by emotional factors does not mean that he is faking or malingering. He became sick because the tremendous personal and professional stress he was under made him vulnerable to illness. Weakened by emotional problems, his body's resources were unable to fight off the invasion of an infectious disease. Donald D. Fisher, M.D,, author of I Know You Hurt But There's Nothing To Bandage (Touchstone Press, 1978), has been a family physician for twenty years and has treated thousands of patients. He believes that most of his patients have incurred their illnesses by being subjected to too much stress.

Dr. Fisher estimates that sixty to eighty percent of his patients have no identifiable physiological cause for their physical pain or complaints. Their pain is real, not "just in their heads;" there may even be some physiological damage or change; but the cause is emotionaland not physical. Stress has either caused the medical problems his patients bring to him or made them worse.

But many physicians are reluctant to label a patient's complaint as emotional. We need to realize that our emotions can influence our physical health. Simply speaking - positive emotions equates good health.

By Allen Johnson, Ph.D.

I WAS IN WASHINGTON D.C. ON BUSINESS. I had been there before, but had never taken in the sights. This time I was determined to do it all. My first stop was the National Archives. It is there that our Declaration of Independence and Constitution are displayed. It is a dark and austere foyer. The lights are dim to protect the integrity of the ink and paper of the grand old charters. Silently a string of people waited in line for their chance to see for themselves the words, “We the People . . . .”

I waited my turn with the rest of my American brothers and sisters, waiting to pay my tribute to the foundation of our blessed nation. The constitution was encased under green-tinted glass.

“The glass is very special,” said the security guard, who stood stoically beside the famous document. “With this protection, the paper only loses one year for every 1000 years of life.”

“Oh, my,” I said profoundly.

“Mister,” a boy down the line asked, “is this really the original constitution of the United States?”

“Yes, it is,” he said proudly. “See George Washington’s signature in the lower right?”

All of us looked at the list of squalled names.

“Yes,” I said. “There it is.” Then I did it. Then I desecrated one of the two most beloved documents of the United States of America. I pointed my right index finger at the name of the father of our country, being, oh, so careful not to touch the special protective glass. But the glass rested higher than it appeared, and in one awful moment my finger fell, schplot, dead center over the name of our beloved first president.

In the next tick of the clock, three things happened simultaneously.

One, I withdrew my dreaded finger and by so doing uncovered an ugly grease spot, little microbes already eating away at the sacred glass, relentless in their mission to devour the name of General George Washington. Two, the security guard, whose expression had turned from stoic to the wrath of Genghis Khan, barked out in a command that reverberated in the hall and rattled in my head.

“DON’T TOUCH THE GLASS!”

Three, I cowered in horror and embarrassment. “I didn’t mean to touch the glass,” I pleaded, but no one forgave me. Even the bratty kid who asked if this was reeeally the Constitution of the United States glared at me with contempt, glowering as if I had just ripped off the wings of a butterfly and laughed when I did it. BuraaAAAaah. More than anything I wanted to make restitution. “I am a citizen,” my inner voice rang out. “I get a lump in my throat every Independence day when the colors dance by on parade. I even get misty on Ground Hog’s Day, just because it’s a national holiday. Please forgive me; I am a Son of Liberty.” Still, I looked shamefully at the vile blotch I had dispatched.

Somehow, I would make it right. I pulled down the cuff of my sweater and grasped it like a rag. I would wipe the smug clean with a single swipe. As I leaned over the glass, my arm coiled, a brain-flash told me to take one last glace at the security guard for approval. Slowly I turned my head 20 degrees to the left, my sleeve still in hand. I raised my eyebrows and smiled a crooked smile, as if to say, “Wha d’ya say boss?” His direction was clear.

“Please move along, Pal.” Pal? Please move along PAL? Boy, that was cold. I felt condemned to the dungeon of the most reviled of men, the desecrators. Have you ever been wrongly accused, or even rightly accused for a dastardly deed that was unintentionally committed? Maybe you honestly forgot to include a friend on a guest list or perhaps you misplaced a gift from someone special. Or how about the time you blanked over a luncheon date? Those things happen. The problem is too often others act like it is their divine right to reign as the exalted Pooh-Bah of the inquisition from hell and tell you exactly where to get off. FORGET ALL THAT. That’s their problem. Apologize and get on with it. Life is too short to accept a ride on anyone’s guilt train-even one offered by the security guard for The Declaration of Independence.

By Allen Johnson, Ph.D.

SCOTT IS FIFTEEN YEARS OLD. He is athletic, congenial, and good-looking. He’s the sort of young man that girls giggle over in the school hallways. He has style and charisma. And now, at fifteen, he has cancer.

I am not worried about Scott; I am concerned, but not worried. His family and extended family are a powerhouse; they are loving, totally committed to each other. As for Scott, he is strong and vital; he will beat it. In fact, I expect that the experience will kindle a maturity far beyond his years.

So, this is not a sob story; Scott wouldn’t buy that, anyway. This is a story about friendship.

After Scott was diagnosed with cancer, he underwent chemotherapy. As a result, he began losing his hair. It came out in tufts, first from the sides and then all over; it looked pretty scraggly. How does a kid deal with that?

His sister, home from college, had an idea. She got out a safety razor and the family shears and went to work. She shaved the sides smooth, leaving a short crop of stubble on the crown of his head. It looked a little like a severe Marine haircut. That’s the way he went to school, glossy on the sides, butch on the top.

Then it happened. Several of Scott’s friends decided they wanted the same coiffure. They trooped over to Scott’s house after school and asked his sister to render the honors.

At first, Scott’s mother protested. “Your school pictures will be taken tomorrow,” she argued.

But the boys would have nothing to do with that. “If we can’t support Scott today,” they said, “we are not worthy of his friendship. Get out the shears.”

One by one the boys sat down on a straight-back chair in the middle of the kitchen floor, a dishtowel draped around their necks. The shears clicked on and the clumps of hair dropped silently to the floor. Scott’s father smiled. These boys are going though the fire together, he thought, and they will never again be the same. “Sis,” he said to his daughter after the last boy stood up from the kitchen chair, “I’m next.”

Twelve years have passed since I wrote that story. Scott went on to play varsity ball in high school, lettering nine times in three years. After college, he married his high school sweetheart and is now the proud father of two little girls. Scott is coaching high school ball now and loving it. As for the cancer, he has been given a clean bill of health. I called him recently to see how he’s doing. He was at the county fair with his wife and, wouldn’t you know it, one of his shaved-head buddies from high school. That is not surprising. Sharing trauma creates an enduring, ineffable bond-a bond of brotherhood.

By J. Bailey Molineux

Most therapists treat depressed patients every working day but I doubt many patients consider the possibility of joy as the best anti-depressant there is.

Let's be realistic, however: there are times, perhaps too many times, when life stinks, and joy is the furthest emotion from us. Life is a mixture of sorrow and joy, pain and pleasure.

Have you heard the joke that a psychotherapist is a high priced professional who makes you realize how miserable your life is? It's true! Therapists encourage patients to fully face their suffering, and not run from it.

Here's something that may seem even more bizarre about psychotherapy: its purpose, in my view, is not necessarily to eliminate negative emotions - hurt, sadness, anger, and fear - but to free people to feel their feelings. Effective psychotherapy hurts.

But we therapists attempt to redefine suffering as an opportunity for growth. The so called negative emotions are there for our protection and benefit. They're trying to get our attention, to tell us it's time to heal, change or grieve.

What people are afraid of, understandably, in doing therapeutic work is feeling their emotional pain. Once they begin to cry or rage, they're afraid they won't be able to stop.

But the tears eventually do dry up; the anger fades to be replaced by forgiveness. There is a natural healing in letting emotions out in a controlled manner that is not overwhelming.

And then a strange thing can happen: joy can begin to creep into our lives. Having been open to the pain of life, we're better able to experience and appreciate the pleasures.

There can be no joy without gratitude. Therapists often want people to see the cup as half full , rather than half empty, as their moods will change accordingly. No matter how bad life gets, it can help to recognize there are some things for which we can be grateful, even if it is that we're not as bad off as someone else who is less fortunate.

Joy can only be found in the present moment. Worrying about, or planning for, the future, while necessary at times, can interfere with enjoying what is happening now. It is only in the now that everything can be seen as a miracle and every moment as holy.

Joy can best be found in simple things: a cup of tea, a beautiful sunset, snow falling gently, your favorite music, the caring touch of a loved one, watching children play, the graceful perfection of walking. Money, fame, position, power, status - these are no guarantors of joy. Rather it is freely available to us all, without having to earn it, and not just the privileged few.

In fact, the mystics tell us that joy is our birthright, the natural condition of our lives. Just look at the spontaneous, joy-filled behavior of young children unencumbered by adult concerns.

Obviously, as adults, we can't expect to experience joy all the time. There will always be worries, problems and daily drudgery to diminish it.

But the possibility of joy always remains available to us. "If only people knew how perfect everything is," wrote Alan Watts, "they would go wild with joy." Perhaps this realization can sustain us through the tough times.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D. is a licensed Clinical Psychologist and author of the book Loving Isn't Easy
Copyright 2002 J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article maybe reprinted but must include author's copyright and website hyperlinks to SelfHelpBooks.com.

The Benefits of Emotional Pain

By J. Bailey Molineux

“No pain, no gain.”

It’s a trite saying, and perhaps a bit cruel, but it’s true in many situations, especially in psychotherapy.

The purpose of psychotherapy is to help people make some needed changes in their lives. But changing is not an easy thing to do. Change can be frightening and painful. It usually involves a plunge into the unknown in which there is no guarantee of success.

Because change can be so difficult, people understandably resist it. We change only because we must. And it is the pain of unresolved problems or unmitigated stress which forces us to make the changes we would rather avoid.

Although unpleasant in the short-run, emotional pain can be beneficial in the long-run. It is the therapist’s ally in the struggle to bring about change. Just as physical pain tells us something is wrong with our bodies which should be checked, so emotional pain tells us something is wrong in our lives which needs to be changed.

Emotional pain not only forces us to change, it also accompanies the process of change. While usually exciting, learning new ways to think and behave can also be scary and uncomfortable. The old ways of living die hard, under the spur of emotional pain, while new patterns of thought and behavior are born in discomfort and anxiety.

What I regret is when people, because of fear or embarrassment, wait until the last possible moment to seek mental health consultation. Sometimes it is too late to make constructive changes.

Let me cite some specific examples to illustrate my points:

• The misbehavior of a child can be a signal to his parents that something is missing in their relationship with him. Although their discomfort can motivate them to find out what is wrong, if they wait until their child is much older, it may be too late to do anything about it.
• Anger in a marriage may mean the spouses’ emotional needs are not being met. The pain of that anger may spur them to work out their differences, but if their pain is too prolonged, they may never be able to overcome it in an act of reconciliation.
• The agony of depression proclaims that something may be missing in a man’s life and may force him to re-examine his needs, values and goals in a search for relief.
• The pain of alienation and meaninglessness may start a person on a spiritual journey that can result in a closer relationship to God.

“Suffering,” wrote Ludwig Von Beethoven, “is God’s greatest gift to man.” Perhaps what he meant is that emotional pain can make us stronger, healthier, wiser and more compassionate individuals.

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About the Author: J. Bailey Molineux, a psychologist with Adult and Child Counseling, has incorporated many of his articles in a book, Loving Isn't Easy, Isbn 1587410419, sold through bookstores everywhere or available directly from Selfhelpbooks.com. Copyright 2002, J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article may be reprinted but must include authors copyright and website.

The Emotional Trauma of War

By J. Bailey Molineux

In World War I, it was called shell shock. In World War II, it was combat fatigue or combat neurosis. Vietnam veterans were labeled as suffering from post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

What psychiatric casualties of war means is that normal men, and now women, can only tolerate so much combat before they begin to develop psychiatric symptoms. Simply put, war is too horrible, frightening and chaotic - the hell referred to by Sherman - for the human mind not to be adversely affected by it.

I have read figures from as low as 30 percent of combatants develop PTSD to as high as 98 percent if a soldier is subject to enough combat, usually defined as twenty eight days. It is a normal response to an abnormal, man-caused, prolonged trauma. In other words, anyone would break down under too intense and prolonged combat conditions.

Many vets develop similar symptoms. They don’t talk about their experiences because they want to forget them or are afraid others might think lesser of them. Their wives don’t understand their behavior and the next generation doesn’t learn the true facts about war. They think, mistakenly it can be glorious which may be why we keep having wars generation after generation, back to the dawn of history. There is a chiasmic difference between the awful reality of war and the slick recruitment ads on television.

You’ll find veterans doing many things to try to feel safe because they were exposed to very dangerous, life and limb threatening experiences. They’ll sit with their backs to the walls in a restaurant, so they can see everyone, they’ll double and triple check their locks at night and maybe have a weapon near their beds. They’ll have terrible nightmares, or night sweats, or daytime flashbacks as their minds try to work through what cannot be fully comprehended and assimilated.

They’ll torture themselves with thoughts of what they could have done to prevent a buddy from being blown to bits in front of their horrified, disbelieving eyes. Or they’ll hate themselves for having survived while others didn’t make it back except in body bags.

To drown our their pain, many of them turn to drugs or alcohol. What else can they do? Some will be angry, especially the Vietnam veterans who were abused when they came home, rather than honored, and who feel their suffering and sacrifices were for naught.

Many have several marriages because they are too afraid to get close to another human being again since they lost good buddies in the war. Some even shun human company altogether and live in the wilderness on what the land provides.

If only they could talk about their experiences, they might feel better, but it is too painful. The tears come to men thirty five years later who were taught real warriors don’t cry.

And now it seems we’re going to have a fresh batch of psychiatric casualties who will require our help and support.

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About the Author: J. Bailey Molineux, a psychologist with Adult and Child Counseling, has incorporated many of his articles in a book, Loving Isn't Easy, Isbn 1587410419, sold through bookstores everywhere or available directly from Selfhelpbooks.com. Copyright 2002, J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article may be reprinted but must include authors copyright and website hyperlinks.

Toying with Emotions Damages Relationships

By Allen Johnson, Ph.D.

“LET’S GO FOR IT,” I said. “Why not? It’s probably the only way she’s gonna kiss me; she’s so dang sweet. It just seems like a dirty trick.” “Hey, will you knock it off?” I squawked. “It’ll be fun.”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

He didn’t sound convinced. Hank was my best friend in high school.

He had been dating Kathy for over a month. It took him three weeks to work up to holding her hand. At that rate he might land a peck on her cheek by the turn of the century. So, I devised this delicious scheme.

“Okay, it’s settled,” I said. “We pretend both of us have been drafted into the army. And we’re taking the train to boot camp, right? You know she’s gotta kiss you at the train station.”

“It works in the movies,” Hank admitted sheepishly. “I just hope we don’t hurt . . .”

I cut him off; I didn’t want to hear another wimpy argument. I’ve always had a passion for the dramatic, and this idea was pure Hollywood. The plan was foolproof: a tearful goodbye, the fateful kiss, and some fancy footwork to get on and off the train without leaving the station. Afterwards, Hank and I would double back to Kathy’s house and sock her with a song and dance routine when she opened the front door. “Hey, we’re back, we’re back. It was only a joke. We must be the funniest guys on earth.”

I have wised up a little since then. I have learned that it is cruel to toy with someone’s emotions. It is equivalent to criminal fraud: intentional deception to gain control of another’s property. In this case, the property was Kathy’s emotions. Look around; emotional fraud is not far away. Here are a few examples that come to mind.

The Flirt. In the battle for social or psychological power, some women and men will use their sex appeal to arouse their conquest. When the victim responds to the overtures, the flirt screams, “Rape!” That is the flirt’s payoff. Other “punch lines” include: “What kind of woman do you think I am?” or “You are a horny devil, aren’t you?” or “All of you are the same one-track mind.” The victim is left feeling confused and somehow inexplicably ashamed.

The Comic. Once I visited a friend who told me that he had a new gun he wanted to show me.

“I’ll be right back,” he said, disappearing into his bedroom. A moment later, there was a gun blast, and he staggered into the room and collapsed on the living room floor. Before I could reach him, he leapt to his feet and struck a clownish pose. “It’s just a starter’s pistol,” he grinned. Why wasn’t I laughing?

The Coach. In both business and athletics, there are those who adopt the role of an angry coach, bellowing insults at their players with the intention of inflaming their passion to win. Such tactics are ineffectual for a number of reasons. People of any age do not respond positively to personal attack. Oh, they may wear a mask of compliance, but underneath they will create ways of sabotaging the coach’s goals. Equally important, players perform best when they are relaxed. The brain makes quick, targeted decisions; the body responds smoothly, instinctively, to the moves and countermoves of the opponent. When assaulted by a furious coach, that state of efficiency is replaced by mental and physical tension and, ultimately, a clumsy performance.

The Parent. Some adults choose to toy with the emotions of their children. A popular tactic is to say “Just wait until your father comes home, young man; you’re going to get it.” The kid doesn’t know what “it” is; he just knows he should be worried. When the father does come home, he may choose to ignore the crime. For the mother that is almost inconsequential; she’s already gained what she wanted. The child has been held emotional hostage for the entire day. These are just a few of the ways that people toy with the emotions of others. The list is far from complete. The point is that the ploy is cheap and dehumanizing. In the end it results in resentment and damaged relationships. I should know.

My scheme for Hank and Kathy did work. Kathy drove us to the train station. We stood around the terminal for a few minutes and looked at each other’s shoes. Finally, Hank put his arms around Kathy and kissed her full on the mouth. Then we talked her into leaving first because “saying goodbye was too painful to bear.”

I will never forget the look on Kathy’s face when we leveled with her. It was not exactly the look of contempt; it was more like grief, as though she had just lost a dear friend. And in a way she had. Hank never did get a second kiss.

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About the Author:

Allen Johnson, Ph.D. is the author of THIS SIDE OF CRAZY: 54 LESSONS ON LIVING FROM SOMEONE WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER BUT KEEPS MESSING UP ANYWAY available through Selfhelpbooks.com.

© Copyright 2003 by Allen Johnson and Selfhelpbooks.com. All rights reserved. This article may be reprinted but must include the author’s copyright and website hyperlinks.

Women Are More Emotionally Expressive Than Men

By J. Bailey Molineux

Women are irrational, that's all there is to that, sung Professor Henry Higgins in the Broadway play and movie of a few years ago, My Fair Lady. In the song, Why Can't a Woman Be More Like a Man, he was implying that it's better to be male - objective and rational - than female - emotional and irrational.

Higgens' bias is an age old one but is not supported by psychological research. To many men, it implies that it is far better to be rational than emotional. To them, rationality connotes calmness, control and strength, while emotionality connotes irrationality, lack of control and weakness.

A frequent complaint I hear in my marital therapy is from wives who describe their husbands as emotionally distant. They complain that their spouses do not share their feelings and that they themselves feel lonely in their marriages.

Research has found, however, that men in fact do feel just as strongly as women. The difference is they don't talk about their emotions as much but express their needs for intimacy in different ways.

In our Western culture, men have been socialized to be more interested in success, power, status and wealth than have women. By training, they are more aggressive and competitive. They tend to be more comfortable expressing their intimacy needs with women sexually rather than verbally, and to be intimate with other men primarily in some shared activity or sport.

Women, on the other hand, have been socialized to be more concerned about interpersonal relation. They are no less rational than men, but can more easily express their feelings. They usually prefer romance and emotional intimacy as a prelude to sexual intimacy and usually develop closer and deeper friendships than do men.

Which style is healthier? The answer is a combination of both.

Research has shown that the mentally healthiest persons are those who combine so-called male and female characteristics in their personalities. They are flexible individuals who can be assertive, rational and competitive when they need to be, but also expressive and compassionate when necessary.

By contrast, the least healthy persons are those who are strongly stereotypically male or female. The macho man who can't share his emotions or the unassertive, dependent female are both more vulnerable to breakdown under stress. They lack a variety of coping mechanisms to deal with stress.

Emotionality and rationality are necessary in a full, well-balanced life and successful marriage. People have to know what is happening within themselves emotionally before they can bring a rational analysis to their problems. After acknowledging and sharing their deepest feelings about an issues, they can then rationally decide what to do about it.

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About the Author: J. Bailey Molineux, a psychologist with Adult and Child Counseling, has incorporated many of his articles in a book, Loving Isn't Easy, Isbn 1587410419, sold through bookstores everywhere or available directly from Selfhelpbooks.com. Copyright 2002, J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article may be reprinted but must include authors copyright and website hyperlinks.