By J. Bailey Molineux

I'm about to give away a trade secret about my professional work. It may mean that some parents who might have consulted with me about problems with their children won't now do so. But it could also mean that those parents who do come to me will have a better chance of helping their children.

My secret? I assume the problems are with the parents, especially in their marriage or post-divorce relationship, and not with the child. A child's psychological problems are in most cases a reflection of the parents' problems.

I was director of a family counseling agency in Helena for about three and one half years. We counseled parents who were having discipline problems with their children. About half of the families we saw were divorced, never married or stepfamilies. In the intact families, most parents displayed chronic, unresolved marital problems that were reflected in the child's acting out behavior.

I remember one case of a chronically strained marriage in which the parents could not even agree on a bedtime for the child. One said 8 P.M., while the other insisted on 9 P.M., and I could not get them to compromise on an 8:30 bedtime. If they couldn't agree on rules and consequences for the child, couldn't present a united front, there was no way that discipline would be effective with their child.

But there's something deeper going on when a child's behavior problems are a reflection of the parents' problems, something I suspect is unconscious to the child. The mental health of the parents, and the state of their relationship, whether married or divorced, sets the tone for how the family functions. These factors provide emotional security for the children. If Mom and Dad are unhappy or fighting too much, their children will worry about them.

That worry will then translate into misbehavior. Kids can't talk about their emotions the way adults can, so they act them out in misbehavior. And the behavior usually sends this message: "Help! My parents are hurting."

Children will also draw attention to themselves by misbehaving to stop their parents' fighting. Again I don't believe kids do this consciously, but it is as if they say to their parents, "Quit fighting and pay attention to me."

Drs. Robert Hemfelt and Paul Warren express my treatment philosophy very nicely in their book, Kids Who Carry Our Pain, which I would like to paraphrase. Parents' priorities when they bring their children for counseling are:

• Fix the kid who has a problem.
• Well, OK, if you want to tinker around with our relationship a little, we suppose it won't hurt. Might do some good.
• Fix us? We don't need fixing. It's the kid.
  And absolutely without exception, according to Hemfelt and Warren, the reverse is the correct order of priorities:
• Parents, heal yourselves.
• Work on your relationship with each other.
• Now help your children resolve their own problems without pressure from above.
  There are exceptions, of course. Some children are hyperactive for biological reasons or difficult to raise because of inborn temperament. Others have been abused or traumatized outside the family.
  
  But for most of us, our children serve as a barometer of how we're doing. If they're acting out, they're asking for help for themselves and for us. If we pay attention to that message and do something about it, they could be doing us a favor by pushing us towards greater mental health.
  
  

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  ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
  
  J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D. is a licensed Clinical Psychologist and author of the book Loving Isn't Easy
  Copyright 2002 J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article maybe reprinted but must include author's copyright and website hyperlinks to SelfHelpBooks.com.
  
  Behavioral Messages from Your Children

  By J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D.

  Words are not the only way children communicate with their parents. Sometimes their behavior speaks just as loudly, if not as clearly.
  
  A three year old, formerly toilet trained child suddenly starts to wet her bed.
  
  The grades of a nine year old begin to drop.
  
  A twelve year old child is arrested for shoplifting, the first time he has ever gotten been in any serious trouble.
  
  In each of these examples, the child may be trying to say something to her parents she can't put into words, either because she is reluctant or doesn't have the ability to do so.
  
  A child may be overwhelmed by his feelings but hesitant to share them with anyone - including his parents - for fear he will be punished or rejected. Or he may not have the experience with words to express his deepest, most private feelings, especially if he is younger.
  
  But emotions have to come out some way, so if they aren't put into words, they may be expressed in action.
  
  The three year old bed wetter may be trying to tell her parents she is jealous of her baby brother who seems to be taking all of their attention.
  
  The nine year old whose grades are dropping may be expressing anger towards his parents because he feels they're too critical of him.
  
  The twelve year old, first offense shoplifter may be upset about his parents' fighting and impending divorce. By acting up, he draws their attention to himself and away from their marital difficulties.
  
  When your child misbehaves or behaves in a way that is not usual for her, what can you do to translate her message into words? How can you tell what she is trying to say and to whom?
  
  First, examine your relationship with your child. Is he old enough to express himself in words? If so, can he communicate with you freely and directly or does he have to use more subtle, indirect ways to get through to you?
  
  Next, examine her misbehavior as objectively and unemotionally as you can.
  
  When does it occur? In what setting and with whom?
  
  What sets the behavior off? Does it seem to occur spontaneously, without observable cause, or is there something specific that triggers it?
  
  If you think you have determined what your child is trying to tell you, you might invite him to talk about it, although you must respect his right to refuse to do so.
  
  You may want to respond to your child's message and ignore the behavior by which it was sent, although some behaviors have to be corrected or punished no matter what the reason for them. But understanding the message in your child's behavior will enable you to deal more effectively with it and improve your relationship with her.
  
  More often than not, the message from your child is, I want your attention. If I can't get it for good behavior, I'll get it for misbehavior.
  
  And more often than not, responding to your child with more of your time and love, but with the understanding that some behaviors are not acceptable, will clear it up.
  
  

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  About the Author: J. Bailey Molineux, a psychologist with Adult and Child Counseling, has incorporated many of his articles in a book, Loving Isn't Easy, Isbn 1587410419, sold through bookstores everywhere or available directly from Selfhelpbooks.com. Copyright 2002, J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article may be reprinted but must include authors copyright and website hyperlinks.
  
  
  
  Developing Morality in Children

  By J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D.

  It is probably the most important trait that parents can - indeed must - develop in their children. It is necessary not only for the success of their offspring but also for the survival of a civilized society.
  
  I am referring, of course, to morality, the sense of right and wrong and the willingness to abide by society's laws. If most citizens broke the law, could not be trusted or were untruthful, we would fall apart socially and economically. Our society must be based upon trust of one another.
  
  There are two components in moral development. The first involves a progression from external control of behavior to internal control of behavior. The young child is not yet fully capable of controlling his behavior so external controls in the form of rewards and punishments must be provided for him, primarily by his parents and teachers.
  
  But eventually control of behavior must be internalized. The mature adult is honest and obeys the law because it makes him feel good to do so and avoids guilt. He also realizes that honesty and conformity to the law are necessary for society to survive and flourish.
  
  By contrast, the criminal is one who, like the child, won't control his own behavior so society has to provide external controls by imprisoning him.
  
  The second component of moral development involves a progression from self-centeredness to empathy, from a child thinking she is the center of the universe to the realization that other people have legitimate rights, feelings and needs which might differ from, or even conflict with, her own. If she does not learn this, if she insists on having her own way, if she does not play cooperatively, she will be ostracized and lonely.
  
  The first thing we can do as parents to develop morality in our children is to show them plenty of love. The more we love them, the more they can love others. Paradoxically, loads of love will make our children less self-centered, not more.
  
  Next, we must model honest, moral behavior to our children. If we have a temper, they are more likely to be quick to anger. If we speed while driving, they're more likely to drive too fast. If we show love and kindness to others, they are more likely to be considerate.
  
  We must be firm, fair and consistent in disciplining our children, using more rewards and praise than punishments and criticism. But when we do threaten a punishment, we must make sure we follow through with it.
  
  It helps to internalize rules for children by explaining their rationale so they can understand the reasons for the rules and not see them as arbitrary. No long-winded lectures, however. You have to go to bed at a certain time so you won't be tired the next day. You have to hand in your homework because you need a good education to find a good job. And we have rules because we love you and want wwhat's best for you.
  
  To help adolescents internalize rules, we can sometimes include them in deciding what the rules shall be about certain issues such as chores, curfews or use of the telephone. They will feel more ownership of rules if they've had a say in making them.
  
  Finally, try to develop empathy in your child by explaining how others feel. For example, Do you remember how hurt you felt when John called you a name. Well, Sally must have felt just as hurt when you called her a name.
  
  

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  About the Author: J. Bailey Molineux, a psychologist with Adult and Child Counseling, has incorporated many of his articles in a book, Loving Isn't Easy, Isbn 1587410419, sold through bookstores everywhere or available directly from Selfhelpbooks.com. Copyright 2002, J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article may be reprinted but must include authors copyright and website hyperlinks.
  
  
  
  Discipline Plus Love

  By J. Bailey Molineux

  Do you want to know about a time-tested, scientifically proven, money back guaranteed way to effectively raise your children?
  
  I can sum it up in three words: discipline plus love. Or six words to emphasize my point: lots of love and sufficient limits.
  
  Love and discipline go together in that the one is not possible or effective without the other. Love without discipline is a contradiction in terms. To love your child is to discipline your child. A lack of discipline implies a lack of love.
  
  On the other hand, discipline without love can never be effective in producing mentally healthy, productive and self-reliant adults. A harsh or loveless discipline will be effective in controlling the behavior of the young child, because he is too small and dependent not to conform, but the older adolescent may well choose to act out the hostility that such an upbringing will have generated in him.
  
  What do I mean by love? Obviously all the positive qualities such as concern, caring, respect, support, encouragement and listening.
  
  But real love for a child also means being able to let go of that child when the time is appropriate. Love that is too smothering or too overprotective is not genuine love. The parent who lives too closely to, or vicariously through, her child does so because that behavior fulfills her own needs and not those of her child.
  
  Discipline involves the enforcement of behavioral limits which children need. Despite their loud protests, such limits give youngsters a sense of security and the assurance that they are loved.
  
  Derived from the word disciple, discipline means to teach, not to punish. Punishment does not always have to be used to enforce behavioral limits. There are other, more positive ways to do so. I like to tell parents they can catch more flies with honey than with a fly swatter.
  
  First, try to elicit your children's cooperation or support for the family rules. Do so either by including them in their formulation or by carefully explaining the reasons for your rules to them.
  
  Next, see what you can do to remove all temptations to break the family limits. And make sure that your children's misbehavior is not inadvertently encouraged or rewarded in any way. Johnny's temper, for example, will be strengthened if Mom pays attention to him during an angry outburst.
  
  At the same time, decide what you can do to reward or encourage behavior that is acceptable and within the limits you have set. Children, like adults, behave the way they do because it is rewarding for them to do so. It's best for them to grow up with more rewards than punishments, more praise than criticism.
  
  Finally, if all else fails, consider the use of punishment to bring your child's behavior under control. Time out for young children and short groundings for older kids will often suffice as effective penalties.
  
  

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  ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
  
  J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D. is a licensed Clinical Psychologist and author of the book Loving Isn't Easy
  Copyright 2002 J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article maybe reprinted but must include author's copyright and website hyperlinks to SelfHelpBooks.com.
  
  Enforcing Behavioral Limits

  By J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D.

  Being a parent is not always an easy, pleasant job. Sometimes you have to set limits with your children when it would be easier to give into them. But if you love them, you will discipline them.
  
  Discipline doesn't always have to be negative or unpleasant, however. There are ways to set limits with your children without resorting to the use of punishment.
  
  When parents are firm and convey to their children in a clear, unequivocal manner that they expect compliance with the family rules, their offspring may respond to such a united front in a positive way. If you let your children know that you expect them to behave in a certain manner, and that unpleasant consequences will result from their failure to do so - and mean it - there may not be any misbehavior that would have to be punished.
  
  Now of course, it may not always be possible for you and your spouse to agree on how to raise your children. You were yourselves raised differently and so will have different ideas about child rearing practices.
  
  But, if you can work out your differences most of the time, and agree to support each other in your disciplinary efforts, you will improve your disciplinary effectiveness.
  
  It would also help to be consistent in setting behavioral limits. Children need secure, consistent boundaries and are confused if not provided with them.
  
  But, again, it may not always be possible to be consistent in enforcing limits. On your good days you will probably be more tolerant of your children's behavior, but on your bad days - and most of us have them - they might not be so lucky.
  
  In addition to firm, consistent limits, children benefit from well defined limits. You owe it to them, and yourself, to decide what behavior is acceptable to you and what behavior is not, and to clearly share those decisions with your children.
  
  Within those limits, however, your children could use some freedom to experiment, make mistakes and thereby grow. Discipline that is too controlling or oppressive will not help your children to become independent, self-reliant adults.
  
  Many times parents simply do not support each other in their disciplinary efforts. One parent is usually too authoritarian while the other is too permissive, One is distant and unreachable while the other is protective and over-involved.
  
  The behavior of each parent stimulates the opposite behavior of the other, however, so their parenting styles become a self-reinforcing cycle. The authoritarian parent feels he has to be strict because the other is too lenient, while the permissive parent feels she has to protect the children from the harshness of the authoritarian parent.
  
  Meanwhile, the children grow up without the consistent discipline of united parents.
  
  Both parents care about their children but express that caring in opposite ways. He's convinced he's doing what's best for the children, while she equally is convinced she's doing the right thing.
  
  Looking at such a family, it would be easy to blame the authoritarian parent for the children' problems because he is too strict. It would also be easy to blame the permissive parent for being too lenient. But the search for blame is always fruitless and unproductive.
  
  These problems are a reflection of family problems to which everyone contributes and from which everyone suffers. The behavior of these families to be lawful and predictable, so no one's at fault. Its just the way troubled families operate.Obviously, one approach with such families is to get Mom and Dad to agree about rules and consequences. The more they can support each other in disciplinary matters, the better their chances of gaining their children's compliance to family rules.
  
  In short, sharply define the boundaries between acceptable and unacceptable behavior but allow your children the opportunity to determine and control their responses within those limits. Johnny may be required to keep his room neat, for example, but since it is his room, perhaps he could be allowed to decide how to do so.
  
  Allow your children the freedom also, within certain limits, to voice their feelings and opinions about family discipline. If you are willing to accept and listen to their thoughts about family rules, they in turn may be more willing to abide by those rules.
  
  Finally, if you have been stricter and more consistent in your disciplinary efforts with your children when they are younger, I would bet you could allow them more freedom to control their own behavior when they are older. Firm, consistent limits with younger children builds a foundation of responsibility and self-control that should last, with some slippage, through the trying years of adolescence.
  
  Besides, you cannot control the behavior of your adolescent to the same degree you can control your younger child. I some internal controls have not been built into the child by the time he reaches puberty, it may be too late to control his behavior.
  
  You can't be permissive or lax with your children when they are young, and then effectively crack down on them when they are older, bigger and more able to act out without restraint.
  
  

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  About the Author: J. Bailey Molineux, a psychologist with Adult and Child Counseling, has incorporated many of his articles in a book, Loving Isn't Easy, Isbn 1587410419, sold through bookstores everywhere or available directly from Selfhelpbooks.com. Copyright 2002, J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article may be reprinted but must include authors copyright and website hyperlinks.
  
  
  
  Firm Discipline and Automatic Consequences

  By J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D.

  At first, many young children who come to see me usually aren't happy about what I do, and for good reason. I believe in firm discipline for children, and I give parents the tools to enforce such discipline. But I also believe that kids are secretly relieved when their parents discipline them more effectively as a result of their counseling sessions.
  
  By contrast, many teenagers I see with their families probably like what I do since we try to have their feelings and wants understood in family disputes.What I insist on with both types of families I see - those with young children and those with adolescents - is firm rules and automatic consequences. I want household rules to be clearly spelled out and supported by rewards and punishments that will automatically occur whenever a rule is kept or broken.
  
  But I use different methods to determine those rules and consequences with these two types of families. With parents of young children, I expect them to be in charge and to set the rules for their children to follow.I find that when parents are having discipline problems with their children, it is often because they have relinquished some of their executive authority. When they reassert that rightful authority, their children's misbehavior begins to abate.
  
  Although I still encourage the use of firm rules and automatic consequences in families with adolescents, I take a different approach to how those rules and consequences should be determined. Instead of having the parents decide what they should be, I meet with parents and adolescents.
  
  

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  About the Author: J. Bailey Molineux, a psychologist with Adult and Child Counseling, has incorporated many of his articles in a book, Loving Isn't Easy, Isbn 1587410419, sold through bookstores everywhere or available directly from Selfhelpbooks.com. Copyright 2002, J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article may be reprinted but must include authors copyright and website hyperlinks.
  
  Growing up: Safety Versus Growth

  By J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D.

  Every new experience, every major change in our lives, involves a plunge into the unknown and unfamiliar, and so is potentially frightening. Whenever we go to school for the first time, for example, or graduate, or decide to get married, or decide to take a new job in another town or state, we are faced with some disturbing questions that are a threat to our self confidence. How will I do in this new situation: Will I like it? Will I be adequate, skilled, or competent enough to handle it?
  
  Life is a continuous, never-ending series of choices, and it is the choices we make that determine what kind of individuals we are. Only by facing and overcoming the anxiety produced by new experiences will we be able to expand our horizons, develop our potentialities, and live our lives to the full.
  
  The American psychologist, Abram Maslow, is unique in the history of psychology. He was the first to concern himself with the study of mentally healthy, creative, self-actualized people rather than emotionally troubled individuals.
  
  It was Maslow's contention that there is within every one of us a drive to learn and to grow. But he also felt that every life decision involves a choice between safety and growth. In other words, we want to experience and master much that is new and different in life, but we are afraid. If our desire to grow is greater than our fear of change, we will opt for growth. If the dangers of growth seem to outweigh its benefits, however, we will choose safety and stagnation instead.
  
  Consider the infant who scatters Daddy's shoes all over the bedroom floor. He wants to explore and manipulate this exciting, new world into which he has recently been born. If he is severely punished or spanked for this behavior, however, he will have learned early in his life not to be so daring and inquisitive, and thus will come to suppress his innate curiosity.
  
  Or consider the older child who is learning a new skill. If she is taught this skill with patience, encouragement and praise, she will slowly and gradually master it and thereby gain greater confidence in herself. If taught with impatience, frequent correction, and criticism, however, she will shy away from the new task and thereby lose an opportunity to develop greater confidence.
  
  Make no mistake about it, Maslow warns us, if given a choice between growth and safety, the child will always choose safety whenever threatened or insecure. If given a choice between his own opinion of himself and his parents' opinion of him, he will always choose the latter even if it is a negative evaluation and means denying his own interests and ambitions.
  
  And yet the truly mentally healthy, morally strong, and self-loving adult is one who bases her sense of worth primarily upon her own opinion of herself and secondarily upon the opinions of others. She is not one who needs to follow the crowd because she can stand emotionally and intellectually on her own.
  
  As effective, caring parents who want our children to become this type of person, we must help them to develop a sense of trust in their abilities, opinions, and judgments so that throughout their lives they will choose growth over safety. And we do this by enhancing the delights and benefits of growth and minimizing the lure of safety.
  
  We do this by saying in effect to them: We prize and value you for what you are and not always for what you can do. We will try to accept your feelings, opinions, and decisions, and respect your human right to make mistakes. We want to create a secure, supportive environment in which you can grow and fully experience this life we have given you.
  
  

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  About the Author: J. Bailey Molineux, a psychologist with Adult and Child Counseling, has incorporated many of his articles in a book, Loving Isn't Easy, Isbn 1587410419, sold through bookstores everywhere or available directly from Selfhelpbooks.com. Copyright 2002, J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article may be reprinted but must include authors copyright and website hyperlinks.
  
  
  
  How Does Mom's Working Affect Her Young Children?

  By J. Bailey Molineux

  Suppose you're a mother of young children. Although you thoroughly enjoy your children, you have to return to work. But you--wonder what will happen to your children if you do.
  
  How old should your children be before you can leave them all day with a baby-sitter? How will your four to eight hour per day absence affect them? Should you work or should you stay at home to take care of your offspring?
  
  If you have wrestled with these questions, you are not alone. Because of the high cost of living, many families cannot live on one salary so both parents have to work. Women are entering the labor market in unprecedented numbers because of necessity, interest, or both. But some of them are feeling guilty about the time spent away from their children. They wonder if it wouldn't be better for their offspring if they stayed at home.
  
  To work or not to work, full or part time, are important questions to consider in thinking about the mental health of your young children! Before trying to answer these questions, keep one thing in mind: the early years are most important for the personality development of the child. What happens during those years could significantly affect your children.
  
  Since the newborn comes into the world with no acquired knowledge, more learning takes place in the first five years of life than during the remainder of one's life span. It is at this time that the child develops a basic sense of what he is like--O.K. or not O.K.--and of what the world is like.
  
  There are no definite conclusions about the effects of Mom's employment on her children, but research and clinical observation suggest that her working per se will not adversely affect her offspring. There are other, more important factors to consider.
  
  For example, it is not how much time you spend with your children that influences their development, but how well that time is spent. Less time spent with your offspring in a positive, caring manner is more beneficial to them than more time spent in an angry, critical or harsh manner. If a full or part time job makes you happier, your working will probably benefit them also.
  
  Another important factor to consider--perhaps the most important--is the quality of the substitute care your children receive. If they are left with a warm, responsive, understanding substitute care giver, who doesn't have so many other charges to look after that she can't take an active interest in your children, they will not suffer as a result of your daily absence.
  
  Also important in deciding whether or not you should take a job is your attitude about work. If you resent having to work because of financial pressures or because you don't like your job, this may negatively affect your relationship with your children. But if you enjoy your job and if it leaves you enough time and energy to spend with your children at the end of the day, your employ­ment will probably improve your relationship with them.
  
  Finally, your husband's attitude about your working is another important factor to consider. His support of your working--and of you in general--will directly benefit you and indirectly benefit your children.
  
  It would be nice if you could stay home with your young children, but in deciding whether or not to work, consider these questions: Will employment bring you more satisfaction than dissatisfaction so that you will feel better about yourself and your children as a result of your working? Will you have enough time and enthusiasm to spend with your offspring after work?
  
  

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  ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
  
  J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D. is a licensed Clinical Psychologist and author of the book Loving Isn't Easy
  Copyright 2003 J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article maybe reprinted but must include author's copyright and website hyperlinks to SelfHelpBooks.com.
  
  How Not to Raise Moral Children

  By J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D.

  In this article I will discuss one disciplinary technique that research has found to be least effective in promoting morality in children: physical punishment. In fact, such research has shown that hitting and spanking a child has an inhibiting, negative effect on children's moral behavior. The least honest, most aggressive children were those who were spanked frequently, whereas the most honest children were those who were spanked least often, received plenty of love, and were given careful explanations for the family rules.
  
  Let me offer what I consider to be one reasonable explanation why physical punishment inhibits moral development in the young.
  
  Many years ago I saw a movie, The Reivers, starring Steve McQueen. It was about a boy who took off to Memphis with two older, disreputable characters and had a grand time drinking and frolicking in a house of ill repute until he returned home to his stern and disappointed grandfather.
  
  Our young hero, feeling terribly guilty, expected a spanking. He was crushed when he was told that he would not be spanked but would have to live with his guilt instead.
  
  Grandfather knew that the worst punishment he could give his grandson was not to spank him but instead to let him suffer with his guilt and think awhile about what he had done wrong.
  
  When we feel guilty, it is because we have violated our moral values and so are angry at ourselves. Guilt is a way we punish ourselves.
  
  Since guilt feelings are unpleasant, most people want to reduce or be rid of them. And this can be done in one of two ways: either by being punished for the misbehavior or by avoiding the misbehavior. When we spank a child, we may take away his guilt feelings for him, thereby robbing him of the opportunity to avoid guilt himself by avoiding the behavior that produces guilt.
  
  A spanking for our young hero would have been painfully brief, but the passing of that pain would have brought the passing of his guilt. He would have paid his debt, so to speak, and so could have then forgotten the entire incident.
  
  What I am here trying to suggest, and what psychological research has found to be true, is that spanking does not make for the internalization of rules, moral values, and behavior control that is necessary for moral development.
  
  Physical punishment is imposed from without by others, whereas guilt feelings are imposed from within by ourselves. The conscience is an internal mechanism, not an external one, that meets our punishment for misbehavior in the form of guilt.
  
  We want our children to avoid or reduce guilt feelings by controlling their behavior themselves, and not be accepting a spanking for misbehavior, feeling less guilty, and then misbehaving again.
  
  This is not to say that we should not use some type of punishment when our children misbehave. In my example above, grandfather knew that no punishment would be the worst punishment for his shamefaced grandson.
  
  When our children know they have behaved badly, perhaps the most effective punishment is to send them to their rooms with instructions to determine how they can correct their misbehavior. Let them fully experience their guilt and decide on ways to alter their behavior so as to reduce that guilt.
  
  About the Author: J. Bailey Molineux, a psychologist with Adult and Child Counseling, has incorporated many of his articles in a book, Loving Isn't Easy, Isbn 1587410419, sold through bookstores everywhere or available directly from Selfhelpbooks.com. Copyright 2002, J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article may be reprinted but must include authors copyright and website hyperlinks.
  
  

  
  How to Not Spoil Your Infant

  By J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D.

  Let your baby cry. If you pick him up and fuss over him, you'll spoil him and make him cry more.
  
  How many of us have heard and accepted this advice as gospel? It seems to make sense but is it correct? Will we increase our infant's crying if we comfort him when he cries? Or is it better to let him cry so that he won't become a spoiled, fussy cry-baby?
  
  Let us look at some psychological research to help us decide these questions.
  
  In one study, two psychologists, Silvia M. Bell and Mary Salter Ainsworth, observed twenty-six infants and their mothers in their homes from birth to one year of age to study the questions we have posed above. They found that the mothers who responded quickly and consistently to their infants' crying during the early months were rewarded with children who cried less, were less in need of physical comfort and contact, and more confident in exploring their environment at the end of their first year.
  
  In other words, the mothers who picked up and comforted their crying infants - and this was found to be the most effective way to stop a baby's crying - had children who cried less at the end of this one-year study. By contrast, the mothers who were less responsive to their infants' crying, who let them cry, had babies who cried more at one year of age.
  
  In short, the results of this study suggest that the old advice about spoiling your baby by picking her up isn't true. And on closer inspection it is easy to see why this is so.
  
  At first, the infant is aware only of his own feelings, pains, and comforts. He is not yet aware of a world that is separate from him,. When he cries he does so because he is cold, wet, hungry, or lonely. If he is given fast, consistent relief for his discomfort, he will learn that his world is a good place that he can trust and enjoy. He will also learn that he can gain a positive response form his world and so will cry less.
  
  On the other hand, the infant who is left to cry will learn that her world is not so satisfying or trustworthy. Her efforts to let her needs be known will seem ineffective and so, out of frustration and desperation, she will cry even more.
  
  What I am here suggesting is that in some situations the best way to reduce a need is to fulfill it and not ignore it. It is the baby who feels frustrated and unsatisfied who has a greater need to cry, while the well cared for, satisfied infant has less of a need to cry.
  
  Does this mean that we should always give our children what they want so that they can feel secure and trusting? Certainly not. I am talking about crying in the infant and not the older child. The infant is not yet fully aware that his crying brings a response from a separate, other person, and so can't be spoiled.
  
  However, the older child is aware that her crying can get her what she wants, if people give in to it, and so can be spoiled. Spoiling a child, teaching her to cry or throw temper tantrums, occurs only when she knows that she can manipulate the adults in her life, and the infant doesn't yet have this knowledge.
  
  When we build a house, we want to make sure that the foundation is secure and steady. Without such a foundation, the house, no matter how well built, could easily crumble.
  
  By analogy, in raising our children, we want them to start life with a secure trust in themselves and the world. And responding quickly and consistently to their expressed needs early in their lives appears to be a way to build that trust. In doing so, we will have given our children a strong foundation that will enable them to tolerate the frustrations and prohibitions they will surely face later on.
  
  About the Author: J. Bailey Molineux, a psychologist with Adult and Child Counseling, has incorporated many of his articles in a book, Loving Isn't Easy, Isbn 1587410419, sold through bookstores everywhere or available directly from Selfhelpbooks.com. Copyright 2002, J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article may be reprinted but must include authors copyright and website hyperlinks.
  
  

  
  How Where You Raised

  By J. Bailey Molineux

  What kind of a job did your parents do in raising you?
  
  What did they do that was right or helpful? What did they do that was not so right or helpful? What mistakes did they make with you?
  
  These are scary questions to examine and certainly not easy to answer. After all, rightly or wrongly, most of us believe that the way we were raised was a good way, and certainly the only way with which we are intimately familiar. To admit otherwise is to admit to the possibility of flaws in our personality.But our parents weren't perfect. Although they did the best they could for us - every parent does - they still made some mistakes. As a result, each of us has some hurts and resentments left over from childhood we have to learn to accept and minimize.
  
  If only we could try not to make those same mistakes with our own children, how much better off they would be! Problems tend to be passed down from generation to generation so we can become better parents by breaking that chain. If we are to be more effective parents, we need to critically examine our parents' child rearing practices since we will tend to raise our children the way we were raised.
  
  I don't mean to imply that we should not appreciate our parents' efforts, but what we need to decide about our own upbringing is what we want to pass onto or use with our children and what we want to changes: What was good about our parents' methods of raising us and what could have been improved or done differently.
  
  For example, my parents were strict with me, and that was good, although I resented it at the time. Consequently, I believe in the benefits of strictness with children - as long as discipline is combined with plenty of love - and I am firmly supported in that belief by psychological research.
  
  On the other hand, my parents tended to correct or criticize me more than praise or encourage me, and that was not so good for my self-concept.) I can recall my father's comment about bringing up a few B's in what was otherwise an all A report card. Although he meant well, my reaction at the time was one of resentment and disappointment.
  
  As a result of these childhood experiences, I am a strong advocate of the liberal use of deserved praise and encouragement with children. Obviously, the way I was raised has influenced - negatively and positively - my beliefs about child rearing practices.
  
  To decide to raise our children differently than we were raised is easier said than done, however. I have often heard parents berate themselves for doing to their children what they hated when their parents did it to them.The modeling process by which the child, consciously or unconsciously, copies the behavior of his parent is an extremely powerful factor in the development of personality and behavior patterns. The example of parenting that our parents set for us is not easy to forget or change.
  
  But the conscious realization that perhaps our parents did make some mistakes is the first step to take towards insuring that we will raise our children in a more effective manner.
  
  Perhaps what we should strive for is to do a little better job raising our children than our parents did with us, and hope that they in turn will do a little better job raising their children than we did with them.If that were to happen, this truly would become a better world in which to live.
  
  

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  About the Author: J. Bailey Molineux, a psychologist with Adult and Child Counseling, has incorporated many of his articles in a book, Loving Isn't Easy, Isbn 1587410419, sold through bookstores everywhere or available directly from Selfhelpbooks.com. Copyright 2002, J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article may be reprinted but must include authors copyright and website hyperlinks.
  
  
  
  Parents Can Try Too Hard

  By J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D.

  There are times when I see very loving, conscientious parents who do the best they can rearing their children, yet one or more of their offspring still develop emotional or behavioral problems;. At first , it seems paradoxical that caring, committed parents should have troubled children until I examine the way the parents were raised. Then the paradox begins to make sense to me.
  
  Imagine two parents who were reared in quite dysfunctional homes in which there was alcoholism, abuse, neglect, abandonment, multiple marriages or constant marital conflict. These parents may parent their own children in one of two ways. They may turn out to be just like their own parents - alcoholic, abusive and/or neglectful. Or they may go to the opposite extreme and try to be the best parents possible.
  
  What is sad to witness is that even when parents do the best they can without examining their own childhood experiences and healing them, their children may still develop psychological problems.
  
  There are several possible mechanisms by which this may occur. If the parents were abused or neglected, they most likely struggle with low self-esteem. Their children will have low self-esteem also because their parents can't give them what they don't grant to themselves. Research show that parents who are low in self-esteem have children with low self-esteem.
  
  Parents reared in alcoholic, abusive and neglectful families may become overprotective of their children because they have been conditioned to view the world as a cruel, rejecting place. But overprotectiveness creates anxiety in children and sends an unintentionally shaming message that they cannot take care of themselves and must depend, perhaps too much, on their parents.
  
  Parents who were too harshly or arbitrarily disciplined may be too lenient with their own children. They may not want to be "mean" as their own parents were, so the children are not well disciplined.
  
  In addition, parents who are determined to be good parents because they were poorly parented may try too hard. The children have to turn out well and not have problems so the parents can feel good about themselves. They may feel that will be loved by their parents only if they achieve high grades, are perfectly behaved, become successful or in other ways reflect well on their parents.
  
  In such a family, expectations for, and pressures, on both parents and offspring may be high. Parenting may not be relaxed, easy and fun but permeated by subtle tension.
  
  Finally, children pick up and carry their parents' unresolved, unexpressed emotional pain through a process called transposition. Unresolved problems and patterns, if not dealt with, are unintentionally transferred from generation to generation. As Ann Smith, author of the book, Grandchildren of Alcoholics (Health Communications, 1988) puts it, What parents don't deal with from the past, their children inherit and play out in their lives.
  
  Does this mean there is nothing a parent reared in a dysfunctional family can do to become a better parent? Of course not.
  
  But what I'd suggest you do may not be easy: Examine your childhood and bring as much healing to it as you can. What you do for yourself will automatically help your children.
  
  As one father said to me, When I tried to change my son, he wouldn't budge. When I began to focus on myself instead, he started to get better.
  
  

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  About the Author: J. Bailey Molineux, a psychologist with Adult and Child Counseling, has incorporated many of his articles in a book, Loving Isn't Easy, Isbn 1587410419, sold through bookstores everywhere or available directly from Selfhelpbooks.com. Copyright 2002, J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article may be reprinted but must include authors copyright and website hyperlinks.
  
  
  
  Preparation for Parenthood

  By J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D.

  Several years ago, Ann Landers found that seventy per cent of the parents who responded to her survey were sorry they had children. These unhappy respondents included older parents whose children ignored them, younger parents concerned about overpopulation, and parents who found that their children restricted their activities and lifestyles.
  
  The results of this survey should be interpreted with caution since those parents who regretted having children probably had a stronger need to air their complaints than satisfied parents. Nevertheless, these results do reveal one important fact: being a parent is a hard, sometimes frustrating and maddening, and not always rewarding job.
  
  When we become parents we make at least an eighteen year commitment to the growth and welfare of another human being and that can be an awesome, seemingly overwhelming task. We experience a sudden loss of sleep and freedom. Our relationship with our spouse changes and we find that we do not have as much time and money to enjoy the activities we shared before the "blessed event".
  
  Parenthood brings a mixed bag of emotions and concerns. How will my child respond to me? Will I be a good parent? How can I best raise this child? What will he (or she) grow up to be like, and will he be a credit or disgrace to me and my spouse?
  
  Every mother is bound at times to be disappointed in motherhood because of unrealistic expectations for herself and her child. Most mothers will not find the complete fulfillment in motherhood that they had hoped for in their daydreams. A child cannot give a parent what she (or he) cannot give herself: a sense of direction and purpose.
  
  Parenthood can create what she calls an "anger-depression­guilt-go-around". At times, a parent can experience contrasting emotions.
  
  Let us be realistic. Parenthood is not an easy task. We hope that the joys of that role will outweigh its sorrows but as many of Ann Landers' readers sadly found this is not always the case.
  
  I say this not to discourage people from having children, but hopefully to prepare them emotionally for the problems and responsibilities of parenthood. The more realistic we are in our hopes and expectations for any future endeavor, the better are the chances of a successful outcome. If realistically prepared for parenthood, we can enjoy our children and be glad we had them.
  
  
  
  

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  ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
  
  J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D. is a licensed Clinical Psychologist and author of the book Loving Isn't Easy
  Copyright 2003 J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article maybe reprinted but must include author's copyright and website hyperlinks to SelfHelpBooks.com.
  
  Raising Mentally Healthy Children

  By J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D.

  It takes four years of education beyond high school to become a teacher, seven to become a lawyer, eight to ten to become a psychologist, and ten to twelve to become a physician. Yet how much formal training and education are most people given for the very important but demanding job of parenthood? The answer quite obviously is darn little.
  
  Many of us stumble into parenthood without any clear idea of what we should do. We do the best we can but often wonder if it is enough. We want our children to grow up to be mentally healthy and productive members of society, but how can we best achieve this goal?
  
  If not able to provide us with definitive answers, the mental health profession can at least give us some ideas, facts, and techniques that might prove of benefit in our efforts to raise our children.
  
  Mental health counselors cannot tell us what our family rules should be, what behaviors we should encourage in our offspring, or what values to teach them. These are questions that can be answered only by ourselves. But mental health professionals can help us to better obtain compliance for the family rules, once we have decided what they should be, and to more effectively develop those behaviors and values we would like to see in our children.
  
  In raising our children, it is helpful to keep our final goals in mind. What do we hope to be the end product of our labors of love? What kind of people do we want them to become? What qualities do we want to instill in them?
  
  There are two qualities that I believe will enable our children to become mentally healthy, productive adults. The first is self-love, the quiet, inner sense that a person has about herself that she is a competent, valuable person who is worthy of giving and receiving love. Self-love is absolutely essential for mental health and the best insurance against mental illness. With it, a person can face and handle most, if not all, of the shocks and setbacks she will receive in life. Without it, she may have emotional problems with both herself and others.
  
  The second quality I would suggest as important for mental health and the good of society is a sense of responsibility for one's own behavior. Although we start out using external rewards and punishments to raise our children, we want them eventually to develop their own internal controls. We want them as adults to be aware of how their actions can infringe on the rights of others, and so be able to prevent themselves from behaving in ways that would hurt others.
  
  In short, we want our children to become moral individuals, to know the difference between right and wrong, and to act accordingly.
  
  In my next two articles, I'll present some ideas as to how you can help your children become self-loving, moral adults. There will be no quick, easy answers offered - there are none in parenting - but some techniques and concepts to provide you with food for thought about how to raise your children.
  
  One final goal in raising our children: that we can be friends with them by the time they become adults. There must be a certain amount of tension and anger between parents and children since we have to discipline our kids and make them do things they don't want to do or not do things they do want to do. But hopefully we will have shown them enough love to overcome the conflicts which are inherent in the child rearing process.
  
  

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  About the Author: J. Bailey Molineux, a psychologist with Adult and Child Counseling, has incorporated many of his articles in a book, Loving Isn't Easy, Isbn 1587410419, sold through bookstores everywhere or available directly from Selfhelpbooks.com. Copyright 2002, J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article may be reprinted but must include authors copyright and website hyperlinks.
  
  
  
  Raising Responsible Children

  By J. Bailey Molineux

  In his early book Dr. Thomas Gordon - Parent Effectiveness Training (New American Library, 1975), he talks about three ways to resolve the conflicts that inevitably arise between parents and child­ren. Method I is the authoritarian method in which parents win and children lose. Parents dictate solutions to the family conflicts. Their needs are satisfied while their children's needs are ignored.
  
  Method II is the permissive method in which children win and parents lose. Children get their own way so that their needs are satisfied while their parents' needs are ignored.
  
  Method III is what Dr. Gordon calls the "no lose" method of conflict resolution in which the needs of both parents and children are satisfied.
  
  As an example, suppose that Mom and Dad want to take a family vacation to the seashore but their two children want to stay home unchaperoned in order to be with their friends. In an authoritarian home, the children would go to the seashore with no questions or protests allowed. In a permissive home, they would stay at home while their parents would either give up their vacation or go alone leaving the children unattended.
  
  In a home in which Method III is used to resolve conflicts, all the family members would negotiate a compromise or solution that would satisfy everyone. For example, it might be decided that the children would go to the seashore but would have the right to choose some places they could visit while on the trip. Or the parents might agree to go without the children if the latter agree to stay with Aunt Betsy. Or it might be decided to cut the vacation short by a few days so that Johnny could be home in time for that important ball game and Sue would not miss her friend's birthday party.
  
  Notice that in these examples the needs of both the parents and their children have been met. All have won and so no one has lost. Mom and Dad get their family vacation without disregarding the legitimate desires of their children.
  
  The advantages of Method III as a way to resolve conflicts are many. First, since children are involved in the process of resolving family conflicts, they are more willing to comply with the solutions to those conflicts. Family decisions become internalized by the children as their own, and so parents have to use less power, if any at all, to enforce those decisions.
  
  Second, Method III gets to the heart of a problem. Each member of the family feels free to share his honest reaction to the conflict without fear of reprisal. As a result, the best solution to the problem, acceptable to all, is eventually found.
  
  Third, the effects of Method III are to treat children with dignity, to show respect for their needs, feelings, and opinions, and to express faith in their integrity and good judgement - sure ways to help them become self-respect­ing, considerate, and responsible adults.
  
  Finally, and perhaps most important of all, Method III creates less hostility in the family and so contributes to better parent-child relations. In discussing these three ways to resolve parent-child conflicts, Dr. Gordon, not surprisingly, encourages parents to use Method III, but it would seem to me that there are some rules or decisions that are simply not nego­tiable. Parents have to set limits in some situations that are potentially harmful to their children.
  
  Three year old Johnny, for example, should never be allowed to run out into the middle of a busy street and thirteen year old Susan should not be allowed to a college drinking party.
  
  In short, there are times when parents have to assert their authority in a Method I decision. Children may outwardly protest but secretly be glad their parents care enough about their welfare to be strict when necessary.
  
  At other times, however, parents can and probably should use Method III the compromise method - to resolve family disagreements and conflicts. Hopefully, the older child will have enough maturity and self-control to be trusted to negotiate in good faith, while obviously the younger child, because of his lack of experience, needs closer, more authoritarian supervision. What I would caution parents against is to begin negotiating with your children over a family conflict, and then switch to an authoritarian decision if a solution cannot be found immediately or if you don't like the way your negotiations are going. Your children would be justifiably upset by your change of tactics.
  
  I would also ask parents, please, do not use Method II, the permissive method. You will help populate the world with adults who are self-centered, irresponsible and uncontrollable if you do.
  
  If you must use Method I primarily or exclusively - perhaps because of your own authoritarian upbringing - do so with consistency, plenty of love and careful, detailed explanations for your family rules. This will help to make your method more effective and your children more willing to obey the rules you formulated without input from them.
  
  
  
  

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  ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
  
  J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D. is a licensed Clinical Psychologist and author of the book Loving Isn't Easy
  Copyright 2003 J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article maybe reprinted but must include author's copyright and website hyperlinks to SelfHelpBooks.com.
  
  Rules Say We Love You

  By J. Bailey Molineux

  True or false? Permissive parents, in contrast to strict parents, are more effective in contributing to their children's self-acceptance by making them feel more loved.
  
  If you answered true to this question, psychological research suggests your are wrong. In an early study entitled The Antecedents of Self-Esteem (W.H. Freeman, 1967), Stanley Coppersmith, a research psychologist, compared the disciplinary practices of effective parents whose fifth and sixth grade children were high in self-esteem with the practices of ineffective parents whose children were low in self-esteem. His study was based upon interviews with the mothers of these children, so it should be borne in mind that these parents were not directly observed, a weakness in this study. In other words, we do not know if the mothers said one thing but did another.
  
  Nevertheless,; let us look at Coppersmith's findings as food for thought about discipline and self-esteem.
  
  First, the effective parents were more emotionally stable and higher in self-esteem than the ineffective parents, and more accepting of their children, not unexpected results. In other words, these parents displayed greater love for themselves and their children than did the ineffective parents.
  
  Second, the parents of high self-esteem children tended to set more rules and to be firmer and more consistent in the enforcement of the family rules. Well-defined and consistently enforced rules apparently gave the high self-esteem children a sense of security. They knew what their limits were, what they could and could not do. In addition, such rules implied that their parents cared about their safety and well-being.
  
  Third, the effective parents were more democratic with their children, allowing them to voice their opinions and to have a greater say in family decisions about rules. Although stricter, these parents were more willing to listen to, and tolerate, the complaints and feelings of their children.
  
  By doing so, they let it be known that their children's feelings and opinions were important to them.
  
  Finally, the effective parents tended to favor the use of reward rather than punishment in disciplining their children. They also reported that they felt their disciplinary techniques were more effective.
  
  This is not to say, however, that these parents did not use punish­ment. They did, but not as often as the ineffective parents, and when they did, their children felt that the punishment was deserved and not arbitrary.
  
  By contrast, the ineffective parents set few rules, used more punish­ment than reward in attempting to obtain compliance and yet complained that their attempts at discipline did not work. Apparently, these parents punished harshly when things went wrong but otherwise ignored their children. Perhaps misbehavior was the only way these children could get attention.
  
  Here is evidence that frequent and harsh punishment, especially if not given in the context of a warm, caring relationship and not combined with the frequent use of reward, is ineffective as a disciplinary technique. Granted that sparing the rod will spoil the child, not loving the child will make the rod useless as a disciplinary tool.
  
  What this research suggests is that rules say, "We love you." In addition to giving them a sense of security, rules tell children that their parents care about their welfare.
  
  What this research also suggests is that in addition to being a more effective way to discipline children, reward, especially in the form of praise, contributes to the self-love that is so important for their mental health. We all like to receive praise and will work hard to get it. Children who are given plenty of praise for "good" behavior will not only be more willing to engage in that behavior but also will come to more fully appreciate themselves.
  
  

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  ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
  
  J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D. is a licensed Clinical Psychologist and author of the book Loving Isn't Easy
  Copyright 2003 J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article maybe reprinted but must include author's copyright and website hyperlinks to SelfHelpBooks.com.
  
  The Best Parenting Style

  By J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D.

  What's your parenting style? How do you show love to your children and how do you discipline them?
  
  Psychologists have identified four parenting styles - authoritative, authoritarian, permissive and neglectful - and conducted extensive research on the effects of each style on children. The four styles are classified by the amount of warmth and control in the parent child relationship.
  
  Authoritative parenting is high in both control and warmth. These parents show plenty of love to their children but also expect compliance with school and family rules. It is as if authoritative parents say to their children, We love you and disciplining you is one way we show our love.
  
  This is not to say that authoritative parents demand total control of their children. They are willing to listen to their offspring and to be flexible in meeting their reasonable desires and requests.
  
  The authoritarian parenting style is high in control but low in warmth. These parents tend to be dictatorial and overly strict. They often use punishment which is severe and physical.
  
  Authoritarian parents are also quite directive. They tell their children exactly what to do or show them exactly how to do things in teaching new skills. Children are not given the opportunity to develop new behaviors themselves and can rarely have a say in disciplinary matters. As a result, they aren't given the opportunity to learn by their mistakes and choices.
  
  Permissive parenting is high in warmth but low in control. These parents show love to their children but do not discipline them. It is as if they say to their children, Whatever you do is okay with us.
  
  Neglectful parenting is low in both love and discipline. The parents show little interest in their children either in loving them or making demands upon them. It is as if they say to their offspring, We really don't care about you.
  
  You don't have to have a Ph. D. in psychology to determine which is the best parenting style and which is the worst. Research has consistently shown that the authoritative style produces children who turn out well. They are responsible, obedient, and successful in school both academically and socially.
  
  Neglectful parenting is most strongly associated with problems in children. They do poorly on many indices of functioning and often become delinquents or drug addicts as adolescents.
  
  Authoritarian parenting produces children who tend to be aggressive, have low self-esteem, do not relate well to peers and are anxious. Permissive parenting produces children who are aggressive, impulsive, irresponsible and disobedient in school.
  
  Love and fair, firm, flexible discipline are the two key ingredients to successful parenting which reinforce each other. To love your children is to discipline them but the better they mind the better your relationship with them. Conversely, effective discipline must be based upon a loving relationship in which the children know they are being disciplined because their parents care.
  
  

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  About the Author: J. Bailey Molineux, a psychologist with Adult and Child Counseling, has incorporated many of his articles in a book, Loving Isn't Easy, Isbn 1587410419, sold through bookstores everywhere or available directly from Selfhelpbooks.com. Copyright 2002, J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article may be reprinted but must include authors copyright and website hyperlinks.
  
  
  
  The Single Parent Experience

  By J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D.

  What is it like to be a single parent?
  
  In two words, overloaded and understaffed.
  
  There are three types of overload for the single parent: responsibility overload, task overload and emotional overload. The single parent has most of the responsibility for the welfare of her children. Many of the major decisions about them must be made alone, without the support and advice of another parent. Since she does most of the disciplining, she may feel how they turn out is entirely her responsibility, a heavy burden for anyone to carry.
  
  In addition to responsibility overload, the single parent faces task overload. In any family with children, there are three sets of responsibilities: care and nurturance of the children, household responsibilities and financial responsibilities. Meals have to be cooked, dishes have to be washed, clothes have to be cleaned, runny noses have to be wiped, tears have to be dried, doctor's appointments have to be made and money has to be earned.
  
  These three tasks constitute two full time jobs. In a two parent family, there are sufficient resources to do these two jobs but not in a single parent family.
  
  The combination of the task overload and responsibility overload leads to emotional overload. As every parent knows, children are very demanding. They take more than they give in return. The single parent is giving to others and may have no other close, caring adult to give to her. As a result, her emotional resources can become exhausted.
  
  Finances are usually a problem for the single parent, especially if she is recently divorced. Most single parents face a reduction in their income when they divorce. One third will need welfare support within four years after their divorce since, sad to say, only 50% of non-custodial parents pay child support.
  
  If the single parent hasn't worked in a number of years, she will probably have fewer skills and less education to get a good paying job or will face the lower salaries many women face.
  
  Loneliness can also be a problem for the single parent. If she is recently divorced, many of her friends may drop away from her, so she will have to find a new set of friends.
  
  Dating can be a problem for a number of reasons. Already feeling guilty for not giving her children enough time, they may oppose her dating and she may be afraid to date for fear of being rejected again. Finding time to date in her already overloaded schedule can also be a problem.
  
  There are two pieces of advice I'd give to the single parent. One, you can't do it all. You can't be a Supermom. There are some things you just have to let go, such as the house not being as clean as you'd like it to be.
  
  And two, find all the support you can: friends, family, a therapist, a church. Other people can give you encouragement and may be able to give you some respite from the kids.
  
  I sometimes think all single parents should be given a medal. Their's is not an easy task.
  
  

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  About the Author: J. Bailey Molineux, a psychologist with Adult and Child Counseling, has incorporated many of his articles in a book, Loving Isn't Easy, Isbn 1587410419, sold through bookstores everywhere or available directly from Selfhelpbooks.com. Copyright 2002, J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article may be reprinted but must include authors copyright and website hyperlinks.
  
  
  
  When Your Child Lies

  By J. Bailey Molineux

  There was apprehension in your four year old daughter's eyes when you confronted her about the mess in the bathroom.
  
  Who did this? you demanded to know, although you already knew the answer.I didn't, was her first hesitant reply. Susie did, was her answer, an obvious falsehood.
  
  Your daughter had lied to you because she was afraid of telling the truth. Perhaps if you had explained to her that you would not be angry if she had made the mess but she would have to clean it up, she would have finally admitted to the truth.
  
  Does her lying mean your daughter will grow up to be dishonest or untrustworthy? Have your spouse and you done something wrong that she would lie to you? Should you be concerned about this behavior?
  
  The answer to all these questions is No. Most, if not all, children will lie, especially when they are younger.
  
  In deciding how to discipline your child for lying, it is important to understand the reasons for it and to make a distinction between the lie and its causes.
  
  There are four types of lies which children tell. Each should be handled differently.
  
  The exploratory lie represents the young child's efforts to test the rules laid down by his parents. It is one way for him to first assert his independence.
  
  Since you want to teach your child you mean what you say, the exploratory lie should be declared unacceptable and mildly punished.
  
  The fantasy lie is a product of the active imagination of the young child, as when she declares that Santa Claus just dropped in to visit her. Although the young child should be taught to distinguish between fact and fiction and to tell the truth when asked to do so, punishing this type of lie might discourage her fantasy life.
  
  The whopper is a lie told to impress others, as when a child declares his father to be something he really is not. It suggests that the child feels insecure and lonely and will go to any length to build himself up or win friends.
  
  The whopper should be punished also, again mildly, but not without an attempt to help the child with his problems of poor self-esteem and loneliness.
  
  Perhaps the most common type of lie that parents face is the cover up lie. The child lies to avoid the consequences of the truth.
  
  When first dealing with a cover-up lie, it is important that you react to both the act of lying and the misbehavior your child is trying to cover-up. Perhaps you could double the punishment or give two different punishments, one for the misbehavior and one for the lying the first time these behaviors occur.
  
  This will teach your child that both lying and misbehavior are unacceptable, and that she will at first be punished for both. She should know that if she misbehaves again, she may be punished again for the misbehaving. But if she tells you the truth about her misdeed, it would be best if you rewarded her for her truthfulness by praising or thanking her for it, reducing the punishment for her misbehavior or eliminating the punishment altogether. You may want to avoid punishing her for being truthful about misbehavior else what incentive does she have not to lie?
  
  About the Author: J. Bailey Molineux, a psychologist with Adult and Child Counseling, has incorporated many of his articles in a book, Loving Isn't Easy, Isbn 1587410419, sold through bookstores everywhere or available directly from Selfhelpbooks.com. Copyright 2002, J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article may be reprinted but must include authors copyright and website hyperlinks.
  
  

  
  When Your Child Steals

  By J. Bailey Molineux

  What should you do if your child has been caught stealing? Suppose the police have just called to say your child has been picked up for shoplifting.
  
  Your first reaction will probably be one of shock and disbelief, followed by anger, hurt, embarrassment, guilt or a combination of these emotions.
  
  How could your child have done such a thing? What will people think? Where did you and your spouse go wrong?
  
  These are all questions that may race through your mind as you try to figure out what to do next.
  
  You might want to first determine why your child shoplifted. What are some of the reason why children steal?
  
  Very young children steal because they don't know any better. They have to be taught right from wrong.
  
  But even after they have been told not to take things from other people, they may still steal just to see what will happen or whether they will get away with it. They may test the limits set by their parents.
  
  Older children who steal, or commit any other delinquent act, often do so with other children. Research has found that the single most important factor in juvenile delinquent behavior is peer pressure.
  
  Or children may steal, not because they don't know any better or because of peer pressure, but because they are troubled and have no other way to express their deepest fears, doubts and worries. Stealing may be an expression of emotional problems. It may represent a message from your child that something is bothering him.
  
  By her shoplifting your child may be calling for help, especially if her act was so senseless or dumb because she has everything she needs.
  
  Understanding why your child has stolen is not enough to deal with the problem, however, although it will help you to decide exactly what to do about it.
  
  My advice to parents would be not to panic. Your child's act of theft does not mean he is headed straight for the State Prison at Deer Lodge with an intermediate stop at Pine Hills. Stealing has been found to occur in normal children so may not mean your child has serious problems.
  
  You may have trouble accepting this but the best thing that could have happened to your child did happen: She was caught. If she had not been, she might have learned stealing could be profitable for her. She might not have had this opportunity to learn that shoplifting is not worth it.
  
  In most instances, your child should be given some form of discipline for his stealing: return of the merchandise, payment for it, and/or grounding. Whatever the reasons for his behavior, he must learn it is not acceptable and will result in certain, unpleasant consequences.
  
  Parents who protect their child from the consequences of their delinquent behavior are not doing their offspring a favor. Children who are not disciplined for their antisocial acts, either because their parents do nothing or use their influence to block punishment, learn they can get away with most anything.
  
  But discipline alone may not be enough to change your child's behavior, especially if it was motivated by a cry for help from a troubled individual. That cry must be responded to if you are to deal effectively with your child's stealing.
  
  Obviously, my advice would be that you have your child checked our by a mental health professional to see if something is bothering her. If she is troubled about something, better to find out now before she acts out again.
  
  About the Author: J. Bailey Molineux, a psychologist with Adult and Child Counseling, has incorporated many of his articles in a book, Loving Isn't Easy, Isbn 1587410419, sold through bookstores everywhere or available directly from Selfhelpbooks.com. Copyright 2002, J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article may be reprinted but must include authors copyright and website hyperlinks.
  
  

  
  Why Is Johnny Misbehaving

  By J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D.

  John and Mary have been having problems with their four year old son, Johnny, lately. He's been disobeying them more than usual. They've been wondering what's happened to their once sweet boy.
  
  They've also been trying to understand the reasons for Johnny's recent misbehavior, Perhaps, they hope, it' just- a stage he's going through which he'll soon get over. Or maybe he's been bored because there's not been enough for him to do this summer.
  
  One thing is certain: Mary and John are determined to support each other in their efforts to control Johnny's behavior. Without that support, their disciplinary efforts would prove futile. They realize how important it is to maintain firm disciplinary control with Johnny at this age since it will prevent more serious behavior problems when he's older and less subject to parental control, Now is the time to teach their son discipline, not later.
  
  One thing John and Mary can do is to examine their own behavior to determine what impact it may be having on Johnny. Specifically, they can look at their be frightening for him to hear Mom and Dad fight, whether openly in front of him or in angry whispers behind closed bedroom doors.
  
  Johnny's anxiety about his parents' marriage may then be acted out in misbehavior. It is as if he were saying to his parents, "Stop fighting and pay some attention to me." He doesn't purposely set out to distract them from their marital problems but this could be the effect of his disobedience.As strange as this may sound, children do us a favor in this way. Their behavior can serve as a barometer as to how our marriages are doing and so urge us to do something about our marital difficulties. Any marital problems we may be having can make him anxious.
  
  John and Mary's marriage is fine, however, the best its been in years, so they decided this is not the cause of Johnny's misbehavior.
  
  Another thing Mary and John can do is consider their view of Johnny's behavior to determine whether or not they are expecting too much of him. Perhaps their standards for compliance are too high. No child can be expected to obey his parents all the time. Perhaps they should be satisfied with compliance three quarters of the time they issue a command rather than each time.
  
  John and Mary can also ask whether or not Johnny's misbehavior is a cry for love and attention. Is it his way of saying he needs more assurance from him parents that he is loved and valued by them? Their function as parents is to fill him up with as much love as they can but there are times when he may need more love from them.
  
  But Johnny's misbehavior, understandably, has elicited more anger, yelling and punishment from his parents than love. A vicious cycle may then have been set in motion: Johnny's misbehavior calling for more love but eliciting more punishment, thereby contributing to more misbehavior.
  
  Does this mean Johnny's parents shouldn't punish him when he misbehaves for fear he won't feel loved? Certainly not. Discipline is as much as a part of love for children as hugs and kisses.
  
  But if their discipline is to be effective, they must avoid the trap of giving him more punishment than love. If they've become so frustrated with Johnny that they're yelling at, correcting and punishing him more than they're loving or praising him, somehow their efforts to raise him have become imbalanced.
  
  

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  About the Author: J. Bailey Molineux, a psychologist with Adult and Child Counseling, has incorporated many of his articles in a book, Loving Isn't Easy, Isbn 1587410419, sold through bookstores everywhere or available directly from Selfhelpbooks.com. Copyright 2002, J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article may be reprinted but must include authors copyright and website hyperlinks.
  
  Why Parents Can't Discipline

  By J. Bailey Molineux

  Some parents have difficulty effectively disciplining their children. Even though they have greater physical and psychological power, there may be several reasons why this may be so:
  
  

  Since we all tend to raise our children the way we were reared, some parents may not have the skills to effectively discipline their children because of their own deficient upbringings. Without a conscious effort to change, parents often only give their children what they received from their parents.
  The parents may have the skills to be effective disciplinarians but be unable to successfully apply those skills because of their own personal problems. A parent who suffers from untreated alcoholism or depression may not be able to consistently follow through with the rewards and punishments which are so critical for good discipline.
  The parents may have serious marital problems which make effective discipline difficult, if not impossible, to implement. This is one of the more common reasons why parents are having behavior problems with one or more of their children.
  Marital problems contribute to discipline problems in two ways: They prevent the parents from supporting each other in their disciplinary efforts and they create anxiety in children which may be acted out in misbehavior. Ironically, behavior problems in the children can contribute to marital stress, so that each type of problem can exacerbate the other in a vicious, self-perpetuating cycle.
  The grandparents may interfere with the legitimate executive authority of the parents. Although it is the function of grandparents to "spoil" their grandchildren in the sense of giving them the unconditional love parents can't always provide, this can go too far. In a continuing conflict with their own adult children, grandparents can undermine the discipline of the parents.
  The parents may have the skills, the emotional strength and the interpersonal resources to discipline their children but are still reluctant to do so for a number of reasons. A parent may not make her children mind, for example, because she is still rebelling against what she consider to be her own harsh upbringing. She may assume that to be strict with her children is to be "mean." Or she may want to be friends with them and not risk their displeasure or anger. Or she may feel guilty about having divorced the children's father and not want to further burden them with firm discipline.
  Finally, the parents may have the necessary skills, knowledge, resources and attitudes to effectively discipline their children but have borne a child who is temperamentally difficult to discipline. Research has shown that some children - about 10% - are more active and distractible, more intense in their emotional reactions, more negative in their moods and generally harder to control than other children no matter what their parents do or fail to do.
  
  
  About the Author: J. Bailey Molineux, a psychologist with Adult and Child Counseling, has incorporated many of his articles in a book, Loving Isn't Easy, Isbn 1587410419, sold through bookstores everywhere or available directly from Selfhelpbooks.com. Copyright 2002, J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article may be reprinted but must include authors copyright and website hyperlinks.
  
  
  
  Why People Have Children

  By J. Bailey Molineux

  The following is a list of what I consider to be positive, healthy reasons to have children:

  1. For the enjoyment, pleasure, and stimulation that children can bring. Because you like children and believe that watching your children grow and develop can be a rewarding, exciting process that will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.
  2. To live your life as fully as you can. To experience as much in your life as you can, including pregnancy, childbirth, and parenthood.
  3. To relive your own happy childhood. To re-experience through your children the delights and wonders of growing up.
  4. To share in the procreative process with your loved spouse. To share the wonders of creating and nurturing a new life.
  
  The following is a list of what I consider to be negative, not-so-healthy reasons to have children:
  1. To prove your normalcy or virility. To confirm yourself in a shaky mascu­line or feminine role. No child can do for you what you cannot do for yourself.
  2. To out-do or prove your independence from your parents. To prove that you are an adult. The feeling of being an adult can come only from your own inner sense of emotional security and independence.
  3. To make up for your past mistakes and felt deficiencies through your children. To have them do the things you couldn't or wouldn't do. This motive for childbearing is potentially harmful to your children's mental health because it means they might have to deny their own needs, interests, and ambi­tions in order to fulfill your hopes and plans.
  4. Because of social pressures and expectations. To have children because it is the thing to do, or to provide your parents or in-laws with grandchildren, or to avoid being considered selfish or odd. To bear children under these circumstances can be especially difficult if you really don't want children or are not yet ready to have them.
  5. If you are a woman, to create a role or purpose that you have not been able to find on your own. To avoid boredom. To gain more attention from your husband. The danger with these motives is that your children will not always be with you, and to depend too much on them to fulfill your needs is not in their best inter­ests - or yours.
  6. To try to hold together a troubled marriage. This is the least effective reason to have children simply because often it will not work. Children put a strain on any marriage, and so might destroy an unhappy union. Thus, a child will have been brought into the world without two united parents to care for him (or her).
  7. To want to be pregnant in order to receive special attention, and to enjoy young children, but to be less interested in children when they become older. They will soon get the message that they are not really prized for themselves.
  8. In out-of-wedlock conception, to try to trap someone into marriage, to rebel against your parents, to hurt your sex partner, or to try to punish your­self. If you need to do these things to yourself or others, there are probably more effective ways to do them without involving the creation of a new human being.
  
  
  

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  ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
  
  J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D. is a licensed Clinical Psychologist and author of the book Loving Isn't Easy
  Copyright 2003 J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article maybe reprinted but must include author's copyright and website hyperlinks to SelfHelpBooks.com.
  
  Wounding Our Children

  By J. Bailey Molineux

  My twenty year old daughter, Alexis, gave me a nice psychological gift two weeks ago. She shared with me some of the ways I had hurt her as she was growing up.
  
  When she was eighteen, she told me she was angry at me because she thought I had expected her to be a perfect child. She remembered I had given her more criticism than praise in raising her. Since this is how my parents raised me, I assumed there was validity to her complaint and told her so. Also, I'm embarrassed to write, when she was young I hadn't done my own painful exploration of childhood experiences until a clinical depression forced me to do so. As a result, I wasn't fully aware of the depth of my own pain and shame which I believe I passed to her.
  
  This time she talked to my wife and me as we were driving down to Salt Lake City. At first, she complained we had favored our son over her. My wife became defensive about this, claiming she did not see it that way. Brilliant therapist that I saw myself to be, I calmly handled Alexis' complaint well by empathizing with her view and legitimizing her feelings. I thought there was validity to what she was saying.
  
  But when she started to share how she felt I had hurt her, my anxiety level went up. No longer was I the calm, objective psychologist but a defensive, guilt-ridden parent.
  
  What was she going to talk about?, I asked myself with mounting anxiety. And in front of my wife! The times when I became too angry with her, times I shall probably always remember with a wince of guilt? The marital struggles my wife and I had when she was a child and how they impacted her? My threatening as a joke that the Mount Helena monster would get her if she didn't behave which she later told me had frightened her badly?
  
  Even though she was driving, Alexis began to tear up. Struck between wanting to tell me about the pain I had inflicted on her and a fear of doing so, she finally screwed up the courage to tell me that she remembered times when I had promised to take her swimming at the YMCA but didn't. With tears streaming down her face, she said it was very painful for a little girl to have her Daddy make promises and then not keep them.
  
  I was shocked and saddened by what she said. My memory was of the many times I took her swimming and how I'd toss her up into the pool while she screamed with delight. What I saw as a source of good parenting, she thought of as painful.
  
  I wasn't going to argue with her, however. I had no memory of breaking promises to take her swimming but her tears told me I had. The best response I could have for her was to listen, validate her pain, admit I was an imperfect parent but affirm I still loved her.
  
  I guess most parents wound their children to a greater or lesser degree no matter how much we love them. Most of the time it is unintentional and inadvertent. Based on Alexis' observations, perhaps many times we don't even realize we've hurt them. Since they experienced the pain, however, they still remember what we did even though we have long forgotten it.
  
  But there can still be recovery for our adult children. The most healing thing one person who has hurt another can do is listen to her feelings, try not to defend or rationalize his actions, admit to his mistakes and promise to try to not let them happen again.
  
  So thanks, Alexis, for the gift of pain. You honor your mother and me by telling us of your hurt and anger. You express deep trust in us that you can share your negative emotions and not be afraid our relationship will be strained.
  
  You know, of course, we both love you very much, however imperfectly we have done so. Thanks also for your forgiveness of our human fallibility.
  
  

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  ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
  
  J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D. is a licensed Clinical Psychologist and author of the book Loving Isn't Easy
  Copyright 2002 J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article maybe reprinted but must include author's copyright and website hyperlinks to SelfHelpBooks.com.
  
  Your Changing Toddler

  By J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D.

  "Johnny, you come here and stay out of my closet. Look at the mess you've made," screamed the wearied, hassled mother.
  
  "No, no, no," retorted the defiant fifteen-month old toddler. And so began another parent-child confrontation.
  
  This is a typical scene that could have occurred in any home with children. But is this child's behavior normal or healthy?
  
  Yes, according to Dr. Burton L. White, a research psychologist at Harvard University. In his book, Experience and Environment: Major Influences on the Development of the Young Child (Prentice-Hall, 1973), Dr. White points out that the period from ten to eighteen months is extremely critical for the development of the child. It is during these months that three very important changes take place within the toddler, changes that can create a greater burden for his (or her) mother.
  
  The first change that occurs at this time is that the child becomes mobile. He learns to crawl, walk, run, and climb. No longer can mother put him down and know he will be safe and not move.
  
  This new-found mobility plus the child's innate desire to explore and manipu­late his new world add up to trouble. The year-old child has little awareness of dangers and no consideration for the rights and prized possessions of others. And yet to severely restrict his activities and movements in the interest of safety or a neat house would be to stifle his curiosity and confidence in himself.
  
  The second change that takes place during this period is that the child begins to realize thathe is a separate, unique person with his own individual identity. Unfortunately, this budding and healthy sense of self often manifests itself in the unpleasant form of negativism and defiance. 'His temper tantrums and defiant refusals are his way to test and flex his emerging realization of selfhood.
  
  The third change that occurs is that the child begins to understand and use language.
  
  In her child rearing practice, mother, who is the primary care giver at this time, has three important decisions to make. She has to decide how to handle her child's defiance and negativism. Should she accept and tolerate it or squash it? She also has to determine how she can best encourage his language development. And finally, she has to decide how to handle the troublesome combination of curiosity plus mobility. Should she restrict her child's movements for the sake of his safety and her sanity or should she allow him more freedom to roam and explore?
  
  

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  ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
  
  J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D. is a licensed Clinical Psychologist and author of the book Loving Isn't Easy
  Copyright 2003 J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article maybe reprinted but must include author's copyright and website hyperlinks to SelfHelpBooks.com.
  
  You're Wrong, Dear Husband

  By Mrs. Mary Anne Molineux

  I want to publicly disagree with my husband, J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D., clinical psychologist. My husband discussed the effects of mother's working on her young children and concluded that it is O.K. for Mom to work as long as certain conditions are met. Specifically, if she enjoys her job, has enough time and energy to spend with her children after work, is supported by her husband and can find good substitute care for her offspring, a mother can go to work without fear of adversely affecting her children.
  
  What troubles me about my husband's article is the implication that full time motherhood is not a very important job. He seems to be saying that someone else can take care of a mother's children just as effectively as she can. He also seems to grant license to mothers to work without giving credit to women who choose to be full time mothers.
  
  I have chosen not to work to devote most of my time and energies to raising our two small children. I am a professional person but I'm willing to delay my career development for a number of years to spend more time with them. I enjoy being a full time mother and feel that what I am doing is very important. But society doesn't seem to think so, an attitude reinforced by my husband's article.
  
  We seem to judge a person on the basis of how much money he makes. Money is a measure of worth. Since a full time mother earns little, if any, money, society appears to indicate that motherhood is not a very worthwhile profession. Women can find more satisfaction and fulfillment in other pursuits.
  
  I disagree. The family is the crucible in which the personality of the child is formed and the most important family member to the young child is the mother. Motherhood can be a challenging, creative, rewarding role. The successful raising of children is what makes civilization possible.
  
  The early years of life are important for the emotional development of the child because it is at this time that he acquires his basic lifetime attitudes about himself and the world. The most important need of the infant is to be loved by being fed, cared for, cuddled often and comforted when distressed. When this happens, the child learns that the world is a pretty nice place in which to live and that he is an O.K. person .A full time mother is more available to insure that her child's needs are consistently met. This gives him confidence in his ability to obtain satisfaction from the world and trust in the goodness of people.
  
  In a child care setting, by contrast, even the most skilled, caring babysitter may not have the same devotion to a child as would his mother. Nor would she have the time to give intensive care when she has several other children in her charge.
  
  The early years of life are also important for the intellectual development of the child. Although heredity sets the limits, the single most important factor in determining the child's level of intelligence is the degree to which he is stimulated by the world around him. A mother who has the time to talk and play with her child does much to increase his intellectual potential.
  
  Mothers who are consistently available to their young children are establishing secure foundations for their future. I realize that some women have to work, either because of economic necessity or a need to find satisfaction in employment, and I'm not trying to imply that working mothers are not good mothers. But for those of us who choose to remain at home, what we do is important, perhaps the most important job in the world.
  
  

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  ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
  
  J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D. is a licensed Clinical Psychologist and author of the book Loving Isn't Easy
  Copyright 2003 J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This article maybe reprinted but must include author's copyright and website hyperlinks to SelfHelpBooks.com.