By J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D.

Being a parent is not always an easy, pleasant job. Sometimes you have to set limits with your children when it would be easier to give into them. But if you love them, you will discipline them.

Discipline doesn't always have to be negative or unpleasant, however. There are ways to set limits with your children without resorting to the use of punishment.

When parents are firm and convey to their children in a clear, unequivocal manner that they expect compliance with the family rules, their offspring may respond to such a united front in a positive way. If you let your children know that you expect them to behave in a certain manner, and that unpleasant consequences will result from their failure to do so - and mean it - there may not be any misbehavior that would have to be punished.

Now of course, it may not always be possible for you and your spouse to agree on how to raise your children. You were yourselves raised differently and so will have different ideas about child rearing practices.

But, if you can work out your differences most of the time, and agree to support each other in your disciplinary efforts, you will improve your disciplinary effectiveness.

It would also help to be consistent in setting behavioral limits. Children need secure, consistent boundaries and are confused if not provided with them.

But, again, it may not always be possible to be consistent in enforcing limits. On your good days you will probably be more tolerant of your children's behavior, but on your bad days - and most of us have them - they might not be so lucky.

In addition to firm, consistent limits, children benefit from well defined limits. You owe it to them, and yourself, to decide what behavior is acceptable to you and what behavior is not, and to clearly share those decisions with your children.

Within those limits, however, your children could use some freedom to experiment, make mistakes and thereby grow. Discipline that is too controlling or oppressive will not help your children to become independent, self-reliant adults.

Many times parents simply do not support each other in their disciplinary efforts. One parent is usually too authoritarian while the other is too permissive, One is distant and unreachable while the other is protective and over-involved.

The behavior of each parent stimulates the opposite behavior of the other, however, so their parenting styles become a self-reinforcing cycle. The authoritarian parent feels he has to be strict because the other is too lenient, while the permissive parent feels she has to protect the children from the harshness of the authoritarian parent.

Meanwhile, the children grow up without the consistent discipline of united parents.

Both parents care about their children but express that caring in opposite ways. He's convinced he's doing what's best for the children, while she equally is convinced she's doing the right thing.

Looking at such a family, it would be easy to blame the authoritarian parent for the children' problems because he is too strict. It would also be easy to blame the permissive parent for being too lenient. But the search for blame is always fruitless and unproductive.

These problems are a reflection of family problems to which everyone contributes and from which everyone suffers. The behavior of these families to be lawful and predictable, so no one's at fault. Its just the way troubled families operate.Obviously, one approach with such families is to get Mom and Dad to agree about rules and consequences. The more they can support each other in disciplinary matters, the better their chances of gaining their children's compliance to family rules.

In short, sharply define the boundaries between acceptable and unacceptable behavior but allow your children the opportunity to determine and control their responses within those limits. Johnny may be required to keep his room neat, for example, but since it is his room, perhaps he could be allowed to decide how to do so.

Allow your children the freedom also, within certain limits, to voice their feelings and opinions about family discipline. If you are willing to accept and listen to their thoughts about family rules, they in turn may be more willing to abide by those rules.

Finally, if you have been stricter and more consistent in your disciplinary efforts with your children when they are younger, I would bet you could allow them more freedom to control their own behavior when they are older. Firm, consistent limits with younger children builds a foundation of responsibility and self-control that should last, with some slippage, through the trying years of adolescence.

Besides, you cannot control the behavior of your adolescent to the same degree you can control your younger child. I some internal controls have not been built into the child by the time he reaches puberty, it may be too late to control his behavior.

You can't be permissive or lax with your children when they are young, and then effectively crack down on them when they are older, bigger and more able to act out without restraint.